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i hate what ive become

when i was 12 i was manipulates heavily by a 37 year old to strip and finger myself on camera, and watch him get off to watching it.

when i was 14 my boyfriend would get me drunk and lock us in a bathroom together and then. rape me.

i just hate that this has made me a violent and bitter person. it also gave me a very incorrect standard of what sex is. resulting in if i feel like i need to get whatever material i am viewing to do sohas to be. gross, violent, and just generally bad. which is why i stick to writtwn work. but it makes me feel disgusting that thars the only thing i can. use. id never do anything like that irl my interest in sex is purely hypothetical i would never let anyone touch me in a sexual manner. but it still makes me feel bad

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Re: i hate what ive become

I can relate.

My parents gave me away. From age 4 I remember being mollested & sodomized. Also tortured. The only time they were nice was when I was nude or being used.

I looked like a pretty girl. Then a beautiful man. I’m the rare person who is so attractive people just stop & stare at me. This led to endless women hitting on me.

At 12 I started having sex with older females. By marriage I’d had sex with over 200. I even let women pay to watch me strip & masturbate. I regret that greatly now.

I now have PTSD. I relive all my childhood traumas. I wake up shaking & crying. Can you imagine a massive muscular man shaking like a baby & crying? Very embarrassing.