Oh boy...this will be a long one.
I feel absolutely no shame or guilt writing this right now, since I have had these feelings for a year now. Yes. A fucking year.
I do feel like a crazy girl though, for having these feelings, so here goes nothing, I'm spilling the beans:
I have a crush on Chris-Chan. Yes, THAT Chris-Chan. The meme, the manchild, the fat fuck that created a webcomic with kindergarten-level illustrations about a hedgehog OC.
I'm using he/him pronouns for our hero here, if anyone cares, for consistency and personal preference. If you think otherwise, I respect that, too.
So anyway, this is how it began:
I've always loved internet culture. And learning about "lolcows." Lolcows are people who are gullible enough to create themselves into laughing stocks of the internet for doing things that someone with common sense would object to.
My first lolcow was Pamperchu, a guy who microwaved his used diapers. My morbid curiousity led me to seek information on more lolcows, as well as to help me understand my own strange psychology.
I am officially diagnosed with high-functioning autism, and have sought comfort in knowing that despite my differences, I am still better off in society than these people because they teach me how not to act online.
As a fan of the YouTuber Deadwing Dork, I heard Chris-Chan's name appear through various streams of his. Like with anyone else who has heard of Chris Weston Chandler, curiousity led me to a point of no return.
I became a serious Christorian back in July of 2020, when I took interest in watching Geno's docuseries with my good friend and browsing the CWCki. Like Chris, I am also autistic, so I grew fascinated in how someone can use their autism as an excuse and fuck up so badly in life. A month later, I'd keep clicking video after video, article after article on this unique specimen. I got butterflies in my stomach doing so.
I initially took these feelings to be disgust over CWC, as they have disgusting mannerisms, except that I would have persistent thoughts about him that we're too familiar to the beginnings of a crush rather than ongoing disgust.
Yet I was a genuine Christorian, and beside these feelings, I still was interested in the documentation of his life.
September of 2020, I first told a good friend I trusted on Discord in the DMs that I may have developed feelings for Chris. They seemed open about it.
My brain went on full speed, and could not stop turning its gears. I'd rather ride the rails of the crazy train than be cooped up in crippling denial.
November 2020 is when I listened to the Emily/Pickleman audio. I allowed myself to have my first true fantasy. I took the place of Emily, but instead of walking off with the Pickleman, I walked off with Chris instead, passionately making out with him in the middle of the Fashion Square while I forced the Pickleman to watch. Those were exciting thoughts that none of my Christorian friends, online and in real life, knew about yet.
I was very popular in Chris-Chan related circles, where I would make memes about Sonichu and theorized with others on "what made him this way." Since January 2021, I began moderating a Chris-Chan subreddit.
There was still much more on the guy I never knew fully about, and it excited me to see more of his tweets on my feed.
Nobody suspected my attraction yet, which only grew stronger and stronger until today, which I believe it is at its peak.
Cringe warning ahead, the rails on the train are off:
First of all, I like fat guys. That's a given. I've ALWAYS had a thing for that, and it makes a good contrast for a petite woman like me.
Secondly, I always loved his dopey little face. (I'm incredibly embarrassed writing this, but I told myself no regrets.) He's got those (ever so slightly) blue-green puppy eyes that give that blank boyish stare. I like that "creepy stare." It still shocks me when he widens his eyes, and that factor might be why I'm so obsessed with them.
He's got that bulbous chin that I've always found to be a defining feature of his face. And his big "old man" ears, too. God I hate myself for writing this.
And I'll hate myself even further when I say that I've always loved his silly shrill voice. It's the kinda voice I've heard on other special-needs guys I've grew up with, and it's endearing to me.
Maybe it is partly because of my experiences with other guys on the spectrum that I feel this way.
It's mainly Classic Chris that I am attracted to, but sometimes tomgirl Chris has that spark, too. Just slightly harder to find with how poorly he's aged.
He's this weird amalgamation of an overgrown man and a little boy that I just want to take care of in some strange way.
I kinda want to be his "mommy."
I keep "favorite" images of Chris that I can't help but look at over and over again with fangirlish yearning and desperation.
Here they are:
I've kissed this one innumerable times. That stare KILLS me.
Another creepy stare one! He's got really long legs ;-)
He thinks he's so badass shredding licks on his Guitar Hero controller he doesn't even know how to play correctly! And he's got a little stain on his pants too...
Everything about this video! He seems to be having fun not being a recluse for once. And those eyes. IN GLASSES. The squeaky voice. ◉‿◉
He stands out so much! I just like how confident he is in all his frump.
Weird Al Yankovic vibes...
He fails at looking girly, but his hair kinda makes him look cute for once. This one is adorable to me.
I fantasize about sitting with him on his frumpy striped couch in his Classic room, with him holding his PS3 controller and playing Little Big Planet or some stupid thing he likes.
I'd get wet thinking about how desperate the dude is for a "boyfriend-free heartsweet" and wondering how he'd come into me knowing that I fit many of his requirements on his Attraction Signs. I'm white, I'm small, I've never smoked or drank alcohol, I have a vagina, and I'm mostly straight.
I keep replaying "For Julie's Eyes Only" and I can just sense the pure desperation of him humping that sex doll like a starving dog. I fingered myself to that video a couple times, imagining myself as the doll.
Another video I have been fond of is titled "CWCsicle," relating to a challenge Chris has attempted from the movie Jackass. According to this challenge, Chris froze his shriveled up penis in the snow for 15 minutes straight.
When he got up and displayed his crooked cock on screen, I always imagined how it would be like to thaw it out with my mouth.
And even seeing his fat ass in his Cakefarts video, where he ruins that chocolate cake from Walmart with his filthy bare butt. I'm an ass lady, I cannot help it. Dirty or clean, I don't discriminate when I get wet.
I never came the most in my life. (SheCameForCWC.jpg)
I know that my attraction is abnormal. I also know that it is harmless, since we are both adults and that I don't think about harming him in any way. It's a benign weird I feel conflicted on, but don't entirely wish to change. Other than my weird attractions, I'm a normal, successful human being in public.
I know he's an absolute bigoted idiot. But he's one I want to protect and take care of in a weird way. I empathize with him when he blabs on and on about his special interests, knowing that I used to be an obsessive Pokemon fangirl as a kid, similar to how he is with Sonic(hu).
I see him as human, albeit a highly broken one.
Fast forward to to June 2021. My best friend found out I like Chris-Chan. A few other online friends have suspected something about me for some time, and I couldn't keep lying to myself or them anymore.
The people I truly let know are people who also have some sort of fleeting feeling for Chris himself, but prefer to keep it behind closed doors for the most part. They tease me about it like any other crush, but I feel comfortable knowing that it is simply between them and I.
I fear being too much of an open book. I know the whole "you're valid, like who you like" type thing people love to preach online, but that won't get you anywhere if the person you like is a mentally challenged spoiled stuck-up lazy manbaby who feeds into his delusions of grandeur and slices his genitals open to "free a vagina," and "merges with the cartoon OCs."
If too many people know that I am the girl who is into Chris-Chan in that way, they'll see me as akin to him; for the crazy obsessive freak that I am.
I'm obsessed with Chris-Chan, don't get me wrong, but haven't we all been obsessed with a celebrity crush? Many women I know have felt this obsession over Zac Efron and Harry Styles, except they're allowed to gush about these guys freely in public. I'm not. I'll become a lolcow myself if I do.
I'm tired of upkeeping this normal girly-girl image of myself in public anymore knowing that I have my biggest secret bursting through my brain. I decided to write about this secret here. I'm really glad such an anonymous website exists that isn't 4chan or Whisper.
All I am trying to get out of this is, I hope I am honestly not batshit insane for this, and that I have hope for myself among professional society, knowing this will be under the radar.
Other than that, I've fully accepted myself.