One thing I don’t talk about often is the pranks Shay pulled on me. I hate talking about them because it’s something I’m not even sure I forgave her for. I can’t even remember if she apologized. The first one (i was like 12 with severe and unmedicated anxiety), she said there was a murderer in her house, and that there was actually a murderer on the loose in Tennessee, and I was young and trusting, so I believed her. She said she heard her dad yelling at a man outside, and that she started to hear noises in the house. She had our other friend were in on this, and kept switching between private messages with each other, and party messages with me. I panicked so much, I was terrified I mean, I was a kid who heard about how horrible and cruel adults were, and I trusted my friends more than anything. I ended up stumbling out of my chair, panicking and hyperventilated on the floor while sobbing. I wasn’t medicated at the time, so it was one of the bad panic attacks. It feels so distant, but I remember trying to breathe, I felt like I was drowning, I was going numb. I don’t remember if I could pull myself together or my mom walked in and found me like that, but I remember my fear. I went back up to my computer, barely breathing to see her say “April Fools” and that it was all a joke. They were laughing at me and they said they only stopped because they thought I might call 911, because I knew she was in Tennessee. I don’t remember what I said to them, but I’m sure I told them that I was on the floor hyperventilating, and I just remember them laughing about it, like “Oh it was obviously just a joke, you just took it too seriously.” So I logged off, and I talked to my mom because she definitely knew something was wrong. My mom didn’t want me to hang out with them anymore, but I didn’t listen to her. I remember logging on a couple days later, and they were talking about it again. The girl who pulled the prank said, “Oh yeah I was holding my exacto knife I was so into it.” And I just sat in silence. Because she still thought it was funny. I get that she was 10 at the time, but I was still crying on the floor and she was still laughing after I told her.The second prank was in like 2018 on April fools. She texted in the group chat that had another mutual friend in it, and said that she loved me. And I told her that if she was joking she had to stop. Then she told me she was serious, so I took it seriously. Then she said “April Fools” and I was done. I just was devastated, and she said, “ITS SO OBVIOUS I HAVE (crush name) LOL” Why did I put so much trust into her, I thought she wouldn’t prank me again after last year, but I had enough. I left the chat after yelling a bit, and she didn’t even understand why I was mad. She said it was the mutual friend who wanted to do it in the group chat. After I left the chat, she was mad at me for yelling at her because “I can’t take a joke”. So I yelled at the mutual friend. I told her that she could’ve stopped the prankster, I was so pissed. Mutual friend said it was a joke and didn’t understand why it hurt my feelings. I yelled at her that I spent my entire life thinking that no one would love me, and that I actually got my hopes up that someone could love me. And that I was worthwhile to someone. I got my hopes up and I was scared, because I didn’t know how I felt towards the prankster. And the mutual friend said sorry. And I just said, “Fucking whatever.” And left that conversation to die. Then the next day, I acted like nothing happened, and I continue to act like nothing happened. The prankster was 11 if you couldn't do the math, which I get she was still a little shitty kid, but you'd think that if I got mad the first time I would get mad the second time right?I don’t get why it was my fault for “not being able to take a joke” because if it turned out bad the first time, why would it be better the second time?There's actually a lot more history with this friend, like how they are the cause of me starting self harm when I was 12, and how I lost so many other online friends because of her. I think the worst part is, I can never tell her any of this. Because she will either get mad at me for staying in the past, or she will let the guilt consume her. And despite all the shit I have had to go through while being her friend, I don’t want that. At the same time I want to tell her about it. I want her to hear how horrible she was to me, and how badly affected by it I am, how fucked up I am because she was such a bratty child. I want her to live knowing that she fucked me up. Maybe that’s just the petty/vengeance oriented side of me.