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I just can't connect with anybody

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It's hard to make friends. There is no one in the world who matches me and there's no social circle that I belong in. I'm the type of person that is welcomed by many because I grew up as a joker; that one person who cracks the wittiest jokes with perfect timing and execution. That's the only thing I'm good at and it feels like nobody takes me seriously because of this. I can make people laugh and smile but I can't make anyone happy. It's my only method of being social and hiding all the pain and sadness that I have, which they don't have to know about. Maybe that's another reason, I'm too afraid to tell people about my feelings. I have lost too much self confidence throughout the years, that I developed a habit of talking down to myself. Whenever I'm socializing, it feels like I'm in third person; it does not feel natural anymore. I would see myself try to interact with people and laugh about myself for trying and it just feels awful. Instead of being a sociable person as I grow up, I made up a version of me inside my head that degrades me in anything that I do. That's the funniest joke I've made so far. In terms of hobbies and interests, I like certain things, but there's nothing that connects to me deeply which makes making friends hard for me. I don't play sports, I play games but I'm hardly good at it, I watch anime but not the one's I can talk about with someone, I watch dramas and series but not enough to start a bountiful conversation with. Is it because I suck at managing my time? that I've failed to create a likable version of myself? I also tend to claim that I'm an extremely introverted person just to give all this bullshit a "reason". But I'm a human, and I cannot deny that I crave for social interaction, my body asks for it but I just can't socialize. I'm wired to do it but not built for it. But even the introverted one's have some people they can connect to. I feel like I just don't, and I hate it that I need assurance from others because I'm to reluctant and insecure to claim others as my friend. I hate it that people need to approach me just for me to start making friends. And when people do approach me I question their decisions and ask myself what on earth do they see in me that makes them approach? Don't get me wrong I appreciate them so much, those extroverts willing to know me. stick around and adopt me as a friend (throughout my life there are 2 extroverts that stuck around, and I still wonder why they do and what they saw in me to do so), God bless them. If my current "friends" see this, they will just get mad at me because it would seem like I'm just overthinking and don't appreciate them and start throwing words of assurance and all that bs. If anything I hope I can be friends with someone who is also like me, who can't connect with anybody, so we can be alone together, I guess.





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