im tired of my life. i want to die, but i cant find the guts to kill myself. i feel that everyone in my life doesn't want me. they all want me to die, be gone, stop existing or never even existed at all. what im about to say may seem like im being pityful or im doing self pity but im not, i just want to be able to say what i realized about myself. im garbage, im a traitor, i tend to look for respect but unconsciously disrespects other people, im too dumb to function, i forget everything, i forget emotional scars, i forget promises, i forget agreements but not because i dont care, but because i tend to live in the moment only, when im doing it i dont remember important things, but after i do them that's when i remember shit. i dont know what to do. i grew up as a battered child, hated sibling, annoying and untrustworthy daughter, annoying granddaughter, irritating sister, loud and annoying friend, and disrespectful and dishonest partner. ive been called a slut, a gold digger, a nuisance, a pain in the ass. though i always try my best to do the best for people. they forget my good deeds, the way i always put them first before myself, the presence and shoulder i offer when they're down. but who's counting. after all everything that matters is my mistakes only. i want to die because i feel that im not wanted anymore and i want to lessen people's burdens and problems by existing and being connected to them. im sorry. i just dont want to exist anymore. being happy is nice, being contented is satisfying but not existing is the solution to end my problems and theirs.