hey so i really hope no one ever sees this,,,, i dont know where else to go. i'm stuck in this awful cycle. i wake up, hate myself, spend money i dont have on drugs and alcohol and then spend the rest of the day barely even getting buzzed after several drinks/hits because i dont know what to do with myself anymore. i want to die so badly and im obnoxiously depressed (just bipolar things, insert peave sign emoji). getting fucked up doesnt even numb me out anymore. i drown myself in tiktoks, where my eating disorder screams about how skinny every other girl is. ive put on 30 lbs since i was really sick in high school but i feel a relapse coming on. part of me wants it. i also lowkey think i broke my foot last week, i cant put any pressure on my heel without literally screaming so walking/running are out of the picture. this just makes the voice in my head louder, yelling about how ill never be skinny again if i cant work out. so here i am, having gotten take out for the fifth day in a row, sipping my idek the number hard seltzer of the day, wishing my meds would just kick in so i can finally be unconscious. i dont know whats wrong with me. i was in treatment last week and they made me be sober. i broke the sobriety after five days (thats my longest record in three years and im only 23 but still, progress). but since i broke the sobriety, ive been worse than ever before. i cant even make it 12 hours without something in my system anymore. i have therapy tomorrow. i hope that actually talking to the woman who has helped me through my darkest hours will reset me somehow and get me to stop with this pointless self destructive cycle. covid has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and thats saying something. someone literally tried to kill me and ran me out of school my sophomore year of college ayooooo trauma checkkkk. but seriously. i just dont know where to go anymore. yes, i have friends and i have a supportive family but i just cant talk to them. ive been isolating in my room since monday because for some reason whenever i see anyones face i become viciously angry. i dont know what to do anymore. im not going to kill myself, or even start cutting again because im 4.5 years clean and i dont want to relapse. i think im just going t stop eating. that used to solve my problems before and apparently i havent learned anything from the multiple hospitalizations. if anyone does read this, i hope it doesnt affect you in any negative way. i dont want to hurt or trigger anybody. but im so done. so fucking done.
8 days ago
Re: i just wanna die
hang in there, i know it maybe hard with ed, continuous cycle of grief, every single day waking up with fucked up schedules, trying to get stuff off our mind with social media, eating disorders suck especially when tiktok is full of people with thin waists and stuff, but it really doesnt matter what body type you have, you dont need to fit societies beauty standards to be happy. everyone is beautiful in their own way, it doesnt matter what outsides it matters whats inside in most cases, its hard so hard because these days you need to be happy to be pretty, i promise you it will get better and you WILL end up falling in love with yourself. thats something i can definitely say with no hesitation at all. i reassure you that everything will stop and heal its self with time and hardwork, youll end up seeing that these skinny women mean nothing at all. you dont have to be skinny to be beautiful. youre a strong person, im proud of you.
8 days ago
Re: i just wanna die
First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. Just know that your family and your friends love you. They care about you. You don't have your life for them but live it for yourself. You are beautiful and precious. Suicide is not a permanent solution for everything you face. In fact, there are no permanent solutions. Everything is temporary when it comes to life. Live your life. Please don't kill yourself. There's more to live. You have a long way to go. It is normal to feel insecure and unappreciated. But, don't compare yourself with others. You are different. Fuck beauty standards and stop comparing yourself with others. Eat!!! Don't skip meals!!! You don't have to be skinny to look beautiful. Do something about your mental health. Try meditating and do a social media detox. I can't even imagine the pain you have endured. But, I am pretty sure you are bold. You have battled your entire life. Keep on fighting! You will find your peace one day. Oh, and I hope your therapy session went well :)