I am so tired. I was abused snd neglected as a child. Things didn't get better as an adult. I tried so hard to please people but in the end, it was impossible and I lost myself. I have OD 8 times in my life. For the last 3 years Crisis has had to come in through really bad periods. The other day, after my mother screamed abuse at me and threatened to hit me, I realised that I just don't know what happiness is. I can't remember experiencing it. I am in my 40s. I can not see my life getting better. Years of therapy to learn how much my parents have messed me up. I feel so disconnected from everyone. I participate in things on autopilot. I look at others and marvel, sometimes envy, at how much purpose they have, how engaged they are in their lives. I can't move on from my childhood. I've just begun to confront the level of child abuse I faced. The physical and mental abuse from my parents. The 'special' attention from 2 friends of the family, one of whom anally raped me when I was 7. No one protected me. No one had my back. I was so alone. Even though I have people around me today, who care and some dearly love me, I still feel so alone. My trauma has made me too distrustful and defensive. At some point, each and every person has hurt me or let me down and I can't forget or forgive. For most, these are normal mundane things, but to me everything is felt deeply. For as long as I can remember, I have not wanted to be here. I struggle to get up everyday.