Sometimes, no, most of the time I wish that I was never born. Like seriously. I don't get parents/ people who decide to have kids but cannot even raise them. I am a loser. I am turning 23 in a few months and I HAVE NO FREEDOM!!!! On the outside, people think that I am well taken care of, maybe lucky, I went to a good school in my country and am of a race that seems "elite". Little do they know that I live in a jail cell. I do not have money and I cannot work because of the conditions of my country and because my parents are so strict. I cannot buy what I want, I've tried some online work like applying to Fievrr but nothing. No one is hiring me. I have a curfew and a bedtime. Again, I AM TURNING 23!!! I cannot even go out with my friends, even have drinks with them. I am not allowed to drink, smoke or have sex til I'm married. Here's one more thing, my parent is judging me for having a boyfriend who was adopted and thinks that he's of "lower class" than I am. News flash, his parents are so generous to him, he gets to buy whatever tech he wants and has 1000000x more money than I do. My mom doesn't even want me to let others know that he is my boyfriend. She doesn't want me to "commit" and she wants me to "keep my doors open for other guys" but WTFFF what is a relationship if you're not committed?!!! I'm so sick and tired of having been brought up in a school with an environment I thought I belonged in but apparently not. All my friends have so much more freedom and so much more everything. Everyday I am struggling with my mental health and I keep it all inside because I'm scared of my mom because she does nothing but shout every single day of my life. My breakdowns have now been weekly, at night, in bed, cos I cannot talk to anyone, cos no one would understand me. They think that I'm living a way better life than others but I hate it when I'm literally a slave in my own home. I hate my course in college but what can I do?? I have to please everyone and there's this culture in my family where everyone is just competing for a better reputation. My sibling is a genius and I have to somehow be also good at something. I'm so sick and tired of playing pretend. I feel like I'm a bomb that will just go off anytime soon. I can't wait to get out of this house but seeing my circumstances, it will take a few years before I can finally be independent. Everyday I ask myself why I never pushed through with committing suicide when I was still in 7th grade. Just as things feel like they're getting better, a singular person in this house has always found a way to make it worse for me. I hate my life so much!! I dont like using the word hate because I feel guilty, I mean, life is a privilege, right? I just want freedom from all of this. I want to be independent and move far far away. I don't mind living alone. I just want peace and quiet. My friends think I'm always so paranoid about everything and can't let loose. I just realized that my whole life I was brought up in fear of my parents and what my relatives think of me thats why I find it so hard to talk to people or to take risks or to do something fun. I dont wanna live like this anymore but what can I do? Just cry every week until I'm 25 or something, until I can move out on my own or get married or something. I just need a way out. Soon. Please let me know if my sentiments are valid or I'm just a spoiled brat. I don't even know what I am anymore at this point. I don't know why I exist, even. I am not skilled, I don't even know what my purpose is at 23. Why am I here???