a month ago
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I lied on a depressive evaluation

In the sixth grade, I felt more miserable than I ever had before. Every night, I laid in my bed and sobbed until I couldn't cry any longer. I thought of how worthless I was, I hated everything I used to do, I was extremely suicidal. One night, I had a panic attack in my mother's arms and she called the counselor. At the office, I admitted to wanting to harm myself. Everything was sort of a blur, but eventually two officers came in and sat me down, telling me how they were to evaluate me. I don't know why, but it was too difficult to tell them the truth. So, I lied. I said I was fine most of the time, that I never felt like ending my life. Even during the private evaluation, I couldn't tell the truth. So, I got put on "low risk".

My parents didn't really take how I felt seriously, I went to a therapist but I never told her how I felt, I was too scared and I didn't know why. So, we stopped seeing her. I started to self-harm on and off after that. I sleep all day and my grades dropped through the floor, I hardly shower or take proper care of myself, I can't even feel sad anymore. I can't find a happy moment in my life and I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm not sad, hell, I don't even know if I'm depressed anymore. I'm just a shell of what I used to be, nothing makes me laugh, cry, or genuinely angry. There have been some moments where I felt a genuine emotion, but I can't remember when. The guilt is eating away at me, knowing that I wouldn't have burdened myself if I just told the truth. But now we're in lockdown, I know there's online therapists but they never really do the trick on me. I can't tell my parents because I know they'd be financially burdened by me, paying for therapy and medication that doesn't work. I have no sense of time or place, I just feel like I'm floating through life. Although I can't ever say it out loud. All my friends are looking for colleges now and I don't know what I want to do with my life, I wanted to be a writer but I can't even find the motivation to do that. I'm still a minor and where I live, I can't have therapy in secret. So I find myself thinking, it would be better to end it all. I'm just an empty husk of what I used to be and I have nothing more to contribute to the world, but I want to try and continue living, try and convince myself everything would be fine although I can't find a reason to, Thank god this is anonymous, I couldn't ever say this to anyone else.

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a month ago

Re: I lied on a depressive evaluation

check yourself into a psych ward. i've done it before. it saved my life. seriously, just walk into a hospital and tell them you want to die. most likely, you'll never see that nurse again. if the reason you don't want to talk is for embarrassment, don't worry about it, they won't see you after you leave. if you can't force yourself to speak, write a note and hand it over.

if you can't make yourself do that, break a fucking plate. throw a rock into a lake. scream. when i couldn't get angry, i acted angry until i got angry. cut your hair. make yourself feel something.

(also, medication does work, i promise)