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I lost the person I loved the most and don’t know if I can keep going. Please any advice?

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I lost my favourite person in the whole world to suicide two weeks ago. My brother. We got along is well he was 2 years older than me but we did everything together since I could walk. He was only 15. He shot himself. Since we live on a farm we have pretty easy access to guns. Since he died I’ve been having such a hard time and wanting to commit myself so I can see him again in heaven. So I can ask him why, why did he have to hurt me. I know he struggled mentally, he had ptsd, anxiety, bpd, and depression. My dad doesn’t live with us and we haven’t had contact with him in almost 2 years so i don’t know how he is doing with it but my mom doesn’t care at all. She always yelled at him and hit him if he made the smallest mistake that was an accident. I know that he struggled with her and one day he told me that he will always love me and if he does take a nap that he didn’t wake up from that it wasn’t because of me. It was because of mom. I’m now going to go live with my dad in the city and I hate the city. I’m nervous I haven’t seen him in 5 years and haven’t talked to him in 2. But the way my brother chose to leave the earth hurts me so bad. We were playing a bored game in his room and he asked me to go get him a glass of water so did and as I walked out of his room he closed the door behind me then locked it I immediately knew something was up I asked how what’s going on and he said I love you never forget that I have to go know goodbye and I just sis do love you too I’ll always love you you never forget that ok? He said ok and I begged him not to he said I’m sorry and I heard the gunshot and I fell to the floor crying. I screamed for my mom to call 911 and she didn’t so I had to they could barley understand what I was saying I was crying so hard. I don’t want to be in this world with out him. But I also feel like it’s my job to have a great life and pray everyday so hopefully he will hear me talking to him and that I’m only doing this for him.





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