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I love and hate my friend’s friend at the same time

I love yet hate my friend’s friend he doesn’t know, sometimes I think of him I try to get it off my mind because it feels wrong and he’s kinda a pervert and he’s a lot older than me by like 4/5 years, i’ve never met him cause he lives in the U.S and I’m Canada and he’s my type but like he’s a pervert, kinda stupid with spelling, and already had sex. He’s taking life fast and sometimes I think he hates me and I will never tell him how I feel due to rejection and embarrassment, this is the only way to feel freedom to share online anonymously.