I doubt anyone will relate to, nor understand me completely, but I just wanted to let it out someway without nagging my friends all the time about it. So for the people who want to take some of their time off their day to read this, thank you. I really appreciate it. So it all started this last summer. I was fancying this girl which was my friend. A couple of weeks later after we've hanged out with our common friends from time to time she became my girlfriend. I really fell in love with her, I realised afterward, and I did quite early without completely comprehending it. I just had a hard time to catch onto it. But anyway, the real reason why I'm writing this is that after about one or two months of being officially together among friends and family I started to sidetrack. What I mean about that is I began overthinking stuff, a lot. Not about our relationship or if I chose the right person, but I began thinking about if she was sleeping with someone else behind my back or being unfaithful. I even thought that she would do something with one of my good friends behind my back. I also got jealous of small things; things which I had no right to be jealous of. My mind could sometimes just wander off to these kind of thoughts even when I was studying. I hated myself for it. For some reason I could just not get rid off these thoughts even when I was trying to distract myself from them at times. I want to clarify that my used to be girlfriend had nothing to do with it, she was an angel in my real eyes, and still is. I was the problem. She wanted to help me, to fix me, but in the end it was just not possible. Every time I told her that I had these thoughts I hurt her, and I was so blind by these messed up thoughts and non relevant pain (that I of course did not have any reason to feel) that I did not realise this until she told me after I had these thoughts again after we broke up. I felt devastated, and I didn't have any right to feel that way at all, but I did. How could I've been so blind? What is wrong with me? When we broke up she told me another reason why we should break up instead of the real reason. Of course I understand why she didn't want to tell the real reason, and I'm not mad about it. She didn't want to hurt me more by telling me. The thing is, I continued to be like this even when we were not together. We were going to be friends after we broke up, good friends (that was what I hoped for though). But because I still was the same even after we broke up, we decided to give each other some distance by not hanging out for a while and also not talking as much as before. I'll also say that we were together only for about three to three and a half months. Anyway, these thoughts still pop up sometimes, even when we're not talking as much or hanging out, but I've become better to letting them go. Though sometimes they grab onto me and I become an emotional wreck and anxiety starts to creep up. I just want to get rid of them, I want to rewind time so I can fix my mistakes by making sure from the start that these thoughts never came to be. I don't always have these thoughts though. They just like to pop up from time to time. I'm trying to write/talk to other girls and meet new people to try to let go of these thoughts, but it feels like I'm just trying to escape them. I've been thinking about meeting a therapist or psychologist to better myself, but because of the covid situation it can only be done through video calls. But I don't like that, it feels more real and serious if it's done face to face. This is why I've not gone to see a therapist or psychologist yet, but eventually I will. I also don't open up to people that often, not to my friends nor parents. But I'm becoming better at it. I opened up very much to her, my used to be girlfriend, early in our relationship. Maybe that was why I got these thoughts; I fully opened my heart to quick which may have led to me developing trust issues. Or because of my last relationship, which then I also got these thoughts, but never told my partner about it and suffered the consequences. I just can't put my finger on any of the potential reasons why I'm messed up.I still wish sometimes that she'd give me a second chance; to be a better boyfriend and make her happy and support her instead of the pain I created. I've talked with her about all this and that I still feel bad about it, but she says it won't help anyone if I still regret what I've done. And she's right, it won't, but it's hard to let go of. She has let go of everything, it's in the past now, which I'm happy about. And I also hope she's happier now. Though I still miss her. I'm slowly getting to the conclusion that she'll never give me a second chance, that it might be for the better. Though she'll definitely never give me a second chance if I still am messed up as when we were together. She'll always have a place in my heart though. I hope I'll personally grow stronger from this, that is what one of my friends told me, but I still have a hard time seeing the growth in front of me. If I'll ever grow from or out of this I wonder. I still feel pain too, and hate myself for everything I've done, but I hope that it will disappear.If anyone has any kind of advice or thoughts feel free to share them. It would be much appreciated.