Possible TW for: rape or sexual assault.
My boyfriend and I are long distance and often joke around about things like “fucking” or doing “couple things” with other people. We both find it funny and we even have an inside joke of him having “another girlfriend”
Yesterday, i told him i had nudes for him and he said “show me in a second” and me thinking he would know i was joking i said “you don’t wanna see what i made for you? That’s mean and weird so i’m gonna go show your friends” He then told me after a little while of being silent that he thought i was trying to force him to look at my nudes. I explained how i was just kidding and he responded with “I was just confused, i know you’re would never even do that because that’s not you so don’t worry. This is just a misunderstanding okay bebe” I asked my friends and they said “it’s literally a misunderstanding”
But because i was sexually abused from ages 3-15 my brain has convinced me that “you just raped him” but that’s not even possible to even do as we was on facetime! I even overthink when we have conversations about sex, and what our sexual need are. One time he was telling me what he would want me to do when we finally have sex and my brain told me that i forced him to tell me that, and that i “mentally raped” him, but that’s not even possible and he started that conversation. Police and my social worker have told me i just think like that due to Truma. So it makes sense but i feel like so awful.
If you're still reading, please reply to this! I just need some sort of help or just a second opinion! Thank you