tw// mentions of religion, anxiety, suicide/self harm
tl;dr I believe my family's toxic, but I don't know if it's true, and my mental health is failing because of all of this
My family is driving me insane, I'm too young to move out or even really do anything. My father left at a young age and I stopped seeing him when I was younger. My mother was a teenage pregnancy and left my family to care for me for the first years of my life and supposedly wouldn't take care of me. I figured out all of this on accident because I read my aunt's diary when I was around nine. For one, they're overly religious, and they don't consider that I don't want to follow their religion. On top of this, I'm a lesbian, and I'm not out. I've tried to come out to my mother but she told me she didn't think it was right and that I can 'talk to her in a few years'. She also screamed at me for not wanting to go to church. My family's never really physically abused me, unless you count being spanked, which is basically normalized in the area I live in. My mother's only hit me once, and my grandfather a few times when I was younger.
They get angry at me for everything. I stay inside all day because I have anxiety. I break down talking to people I don't know. And they know all of this, and still treat me the way they do. They call me unhealthy, and it's a running "joke" that I'm pretentious and I think I'm better than everyone else my age. I don't know what to do. I've had issues with being suicidal and stuff since I was nine, and it never really went away. My family calls me lazy and addicted to my phone. And they're otherwise nice to me. I don't know if I'm overreacting or if they're as bad as I think they are. I just know that I've never felt worse than this mentally and I'm not sure what to do.
They try to force me into socializing with people despite knowing how hard it is.
My mother especially has cut family members out of my life (specifically my father) has a new boyfriend, and they're moving awful quickly. Although her boyfriend and I get along well and I really like him, it's a lot happening at once.
My mother has yelled at me, screamed at me, always manages to make me feel bad for small things. There was a turning point in my childhood where if I told her something she did hurt my feelings, she'd apologize. But at one point she took it as me trying to guilt her, and stopped apologizing to me, and since that mentality shift happened I believe she's treated me with a different mindset.
One specific thing she's done more than once is reprimand me for not eating - if I don't eat enough my mother will tell me "Eat now because we won't give you food later." I'm struggling with GERD and health issues, and I'm trying to eat less because of it, because my family makes me eat whatever they make and it usually isn't healthy.
I'm homeschooled as well, so I have no adults to speak to. Not even close family members. I have no idea what to do. Does anyone have any tips on how to get out of this situation? Again I'm too young to move out, and talking to them about this stuff just makes them angrier. I'm stuck and I feel very alone.
I have told them about my depression and whatnot, and all they can tell me is "pray." I've been doing that for years and to no avail.
Overall I feel like shit all the time and I'm constantly angry or upset over my family.
I am a child and I want to have the normal experiences of one, but I can't seem to do it.
I love most of my family, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that I don't want to live here.
I've considered suicide, running away.
I would go on and on but I don't want to make this post longer than it already is. If you read this whole thing, thank you so much for taking time out of your day to listen. It means everything to me.
I'm most likely going to delete this later just for the sake of my privacy if my family ever is to go through my phone.
Is my family that bad or am I overreacting?