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I need help

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[Tw: self harm and eating disorder symptoms(?)]


I won't do anything stupid, I'm not like that. I want to be a cat. I always watch my cats play, sleep and eat. They look so happy, not a worry in sight. I reckon I've got a problem because before I was bad. Bad as in I would cut myself and attempted to drown myself once but like always I was a coward. When I was younger, maybe 6th grade, I made myself throw up in the school bathrooms after lunch and I cried. the thought of eating food and keeping it in me made me sick. I was so worried about my image for so long. 7th grade came around and I was a little better, I just ate way less, 8th I didn't eat school lunches at all anymore and stuck to a granola bar and possibly something more each day to get me through. then I was fine. I didn't care anymore about my image. I didn't gain or loose weight so what mattered? Something that really helped me through it- and I know this sounds daft but Julian Casablancas' made me feel more comfortable in my own skin, he isn't paper thin and is incredibly loved by so many for his looks so I thought me having a similar body type would be fine. Recently I've started caring more and more, I can't bring myself to eat food anymore without crying. I had crackers and cup of tea yet its late afternoon now and I'm feeling that was much more than I needed. I always think back to the perfect body and its not what I have though I know I'm average, (150 or so lbs and 5'6) I still feel I shouldn't be surpassing 115 lbs. I don't think I have an Eating Disorder and I refuse to say I do or get diagnosed, I don't want to bring this up with my family, I'm a minor and they will just think I'm doing this all for attention.

Basically I'm asking, what do I do?