from a young age I have been pushed to always get the best results. in year 6 I passed my 11+ and got into my dream secondary school. Ever since then its been downhill. I got into a bad group of friends, messed around, didn't take my studies seriously and now I'm in year 11 and I know I'm near failing. I've been predicted 3 8's,some 7s , 6s and even 5s. I feel so useless and my mental health isn't doing too great. My parents abuse me daily and each night I feel the urge to just kill myself, but I'm too much of a coward to do so. I go to 8 tuitions each week, a total of 11 hours and I know I cannot cope with all this. I lie all the time, especially to save face against my parents. I'm obese and get reminded by my mum every single day. All my teachers hate me because I either behave badly in a lesson or don't do the homework required. I cheat in most tests and still fail. I feel like I don't deserve to be here because I am such a failure. I want someone to talk to but the closest I can get to therapy is this. In school I am labelled as the girl who is stupid, clueless and honestly it hurts me but I laugh along because it is not my friends faults. they don't know how I feel inside. I also discovered I was bi but I could never tell anybody that. I wish I was born into a different family as I know that way most of these problems wouldn't exist. I went from being the smartest kid to the dumbest. One of my close friends wasn't the most intelligent in primary and failed her 11+ resulting in her going to her sisters school through sibling rule, but now she is achieving results 100 times better than me and it makes me happy that she is succeeding - sometimes jealous, but mostly sad as I know if I had gotten my priorities straight in year 7 I would be fine too. I don't know if starting to get my life together now is going to impact anything such as my predicted grades and I'm scared for the future. I don't want to face it, and one of the main reasons I did want to kill myself was that, I'm not smart enough to get the grades for the future I would like . Sorry if this is a lot but I had to get it off my chest as lately I've been having dark thoughts.