i don’t even know where to start. i feel terrible, kinda like i’m drowning. everytime i wake up, i curse my own existence, and my throat always feels really tight. my chest feels heavy and overall i feel ill, and i wish i knew how to fix it, but i don’t have any idea where to start. therapy is too expensive, and everytime i try to get out how i feel to my mom, it’s the “incorrect choice” that’ll make me unhappier in the future.
what’s the point if i’m already looking forward to a demise though, right?
i’m only 16. what do i know? apparently nothing according to her, since, of course, nothing is enough. i’m too freaky for people irl and online. i’m a fucking outcast, a black sheep in my own family and just a general annoyance to the people around me. oh, but i’m also at fault because when i do try to talk about my feelings, they’re brushed aside with a “lol mood” and topic change or i’m told i have nothing to feel shitty over.
i feel so suffocatingly alone. i’m scared that one day, i’ll overcome my fear and just hurl myself off my fucking rooftop, even though i know that isn’t the answer. i’m aware i need some kind of help, but part of me constantly reminds myself that my death would be a one time cry. a week or a month spent crying, and then moving on with life.
i don’t know. i just wish i had someone to talk to, someone that would care about me and just hug me. i miss the feeling of being loved. i miss feeling safe. but now i have nothing going on. i’m alone, talking on a site like this as a last resort. it’s so pathetic. i’m so pathetic.