I know it’s sad and I sort of imploded for the first time in front of everyone. I usually think I’m pretty good at hiding what I’m thinking or feeling but when it comes to her it’s hard to contain just everything. I didn’t talk about it which is probably why it’s always on my mind even though I don’t want it to be. Every moment I’m left alone with my thoughts it’s all that comes up and even creeps in when I’m mid conversation with anyone else. So if I’ve been a shitty friend I’m sorry I’ve been selfishly beating myself up in my own head.My life isn’t shit and never has been really I’ve always been given anything a person could ask for and more. In spite of that those I’ve still always been pretty dramatic and miserable along with being arrogant, egoistic and angry all the time. Then this person comes along and it’s someone I’d least expected it from and changes everything. Makes you realise that it’s alright to open and be vulnerable. Made me confident, affectionate, happy and most importantly a better person. A girl who helps you grow in ways you don’t even realize and saves without you even knowing it. I think I never truly cared about someone more than myself till her and when things got to a point where I should’ve said what I wanted to I held back. This causes more problems than it solves and in being everything she is somehow things still managed to work and despite this fear within me I still felt safe.I was 24 not that it matters but I guess my point is I was young and dumb. I had doubts on perhaps two of the dumbest things in the world money and what people I don’t truly love think. So as I always have I made a logical decision about something that logic had nothing to do with. In this infinite wisdom of knowing everything before it happens lol a conclusion was drawn without any regard for what the other person might say or think. Lazy, arrogant, stupid without knowing it but more than anything scared I pushed away someone who in hindsight and the grand scheme of things was nothing short of someone I should’ve spent the rest of my life with.As it turns out I was wrong in a way I didn’t even realize till I finally really thought about it. You see living with pain was bearable and easily distractable (if that’s even a word) it wasn’t till regret made it’s way in that things have gone south. Everyone feels sad so I know that’s normal but the problem is living with this anger all the time. It makes you tired and irritable in ways you can’t imagine. Not angry because life’s shit it’s always shit angry at myself for taking so long to learn or rather to realise that love is enough. Apologizing isn’t enough I know but when you have no idea what to do that’s all you can say. Hope is dangerous so I don’t give it to myself perhaps why I’m so miserable all the time haha. Maybe one day I’ll be okay although the more they go by the less likely I feel I will.