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I raped someone, and don't deserve to breath.

I'm a teenager that just got out of a relationship, and the reason the relationship ended was all my fault. We had done sexual things in the past, and for about a year and a half. I wanted her to go down on me, so I made her. We had a dominant and submissive relationship, so I was used to her saying no in the beginning, and then thanking me for making her after.


It turns out this time she was serious, and she left me a month ago. I understood when she told me she needed to tell someone, and she has. She told a mutual friend who upon hearing what I did told me to go fuck myself and blocked me. School starts back up in fall. I'm terrified of what's going to happen. I'm sure we'll have some of the same classes, I'm worried everything will come out when she sees me again and I'll lose every friend I've ever had, and gain more enemies all the same.

.

I feel horrible about what I did, and like I'm a stain on this earth. I want to end my life, and I hate feeling sorry for myself like I do so often too, because I feel like I'm victimizing myself, when I know she's the one in real pain.


After realizing things would never be the same, I told her that I was moving on, because she said she was checking out other guys anyway, and I figured she'd be happy that I wouldn't be wishing for her to take me back anymore. She blocked me in all forms of contact, and I don't blame her.


I'm scared I'll lose everything, but I feel like I deserve to. If I lose everything though, I'm not sure I'll be able to stop myself from taking my own life.