i don't know. i just want to fucking off myself. there are times when it's bad, but this time it's bad. i don't understand - everyone treats me like i'm invisible. in front of my family i'm this strong, fake version of myself who oozes self confidence and couldn't give a fuck about anyone else's opinions. but at work and university, it's different. i have practically no friends and no family who really know me. there's nobody i can go to for help. nobody who i could actually have a conversation with and be myself with. i live by myself now (i recently moved out because i couldn't handle putting up a fake personality all the time and a dozen other reasons) and the rent, god the rent, scares the fuck outta me. i'm a failure. i can't do anything. i have nobody. they don't even care about me as much as i care about them. i feel like people like me who contribute the bare minimum to society should just die. i have no purpose, i'm just invisible. if i died, i'd just be another number. there's nobody to really miss me, anyway. no friend who'd care or cry. no lover, of course. maybe my family would cry over the 'confident, funny guy' side of me, but they wouldn't cry over me. and that's what hurts me so much. nobody sees me. i'm literally all alone. no matter how many suicide hotlines i call, nothing changes. no amount of help can make me any more noticeable or 'real', without me having to change myself.i don't know. i think i just might off myself. i'm nothing, i think.