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I really hate life atm

I really do hate my life atm. Everything that's going on, everything that's happening around me. I feel like I have no control and that I'm just spiralling. I've lost any confidence I ever had, lost any self worth, any enthusiasm for life is just gone. I hate being myself, the way I think and feel is just awful. I feel like I'm wasting time, I'm in my last year of high school and I've done nothing worth remembering. If the whole rest of my life is just going to be like the years I've lived so far then I'm sorry but I don't want to live them. I don't have anything left anymore.



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Re: I really hate life atm

Said every nice teen ever.

It gets amazing at times. Your brain is playing tricks on you. Chemicals. You’ll probably outgrow this if you hang in there. You will experience things in your life that just stay with you & make you smile forever. Granted we get shit too. That’s life. If it was all sunshine & rainbows you wouldn’t appreciate it.

Out brains hold onto two important things. It’s about survival. I grew up hunting. This is very real for me.

Survival is about remembering bad shit. Such as my first encounter with a big cat in the dark. I don’t care how slick you think you are in the daytime. Without night vision that cat can track your ass in the dark. So I had to kill that thing. Do you get it?

We must remember bad experiences. Such as by day I own that mountain lions ass. By night it has the advantage.

So modern humans don’t often deal with such things. But your teen mind is hard wired to survive. Each persons works different. Your mind is determined to find danger & bad stuff. It must remember that & avoid it. If you are to survive.

Your mind secondly needs to remember things to survive. Where do I find food. Water. Well for most of y’all that’s not a major issue. I know people getting ebt think it is. I used to eat bugs at times. That’s needing to survive. Do you get it.

I’m not trying to be racist here. But it was much easier to survive in a warm environment than an ice age glacier area. So more white kids will go thru this shit.

Biologically your brain is in overload. It’s looking for shit to worry about. You don’t have a giant wolf hunting you across frozen ice. So you worry about your dad being a dick; an F in biology; a bully; your love dumping you for you best friend. Maybe much worse stuff like rape & abuse.

With those brain chemicals it doesn’t matter what shit your life contains. That’s the shit pushing you towards the edge. Granted. Take me.

I was in the woods hunting from age 4. I was being sodomized from age 4. I was being hurt physically from age 2. It never ended till I was grown. Every day. That’s a lot of shit. The more you get yelled at; hit; etc as a kid the more your brain adapts to that environment.

So we the abused are really hard wired to look for shit to worry about.

Then you kids are over loaded with social shit. It’s non stop what the media & news & your parents want you to really worry about. Please don’t get offended if you are non white. I assume most readers are white. Here goes.

Oh the poor polar bears. Your socks go here. Fill up the ice tray. Do your home work. The poor Inuits. Poor Africans. Poor Jews. Poor Hispanics (they have more land & natural resources than anglos. I’m not sure why Anglo’s worry about them. They should feel sorry for you). Global cooling; warming; ice ages; hurricanes; rain forests; women’s rights; inner cities; falling water tables; pollution; the jingle bell rat going extinct; you must have the new nikes & ex box. Do you get it? The reason more of you are killing themselves is adults use you. They want you to fix the earth they helped duck up. They want you to fix racism which is a natural part of our survival instincts. We are like chimps. Dividing up to fight over the bananas. They want you to solve pollution. They want you to convince your parents to buy you endless shit so you don’t feel like a loser. My kids learned quick they were going to wear the best clothes on sale. They were going to play the last video game popular. They were going to watch the movie at the cheap theatre & dad would sneak in the snacks. Everyone shares one big popcorn. My wife hated it & fought me tooth & nail but my kids are not hung up on that shit.

They show you more & more shit to lure you in. Then they shame you. Why aren’t you sleeping with black peoples. If you don’t your a racist. They slip in endless violence & sex.

What pays for the internet? Porn. Every site men visit is secretly trying to lure them down a rabbit hole to porn. Why? Because men don’t have babies. God had to hard wire us to want to have sex when we see certain women or their would be no babies. We’d just play video games. I do believe if we chose our sexuality most men would be gay. Wooooaaaa. Hey; not my thing. But here me out.

Before marriage I had a lot of friends. Granted I’m autistic so they were only friends with me cause I was smart in college; great at sports; & hot. You won every game. You could cheat of the schools top student. Pretty women approached me like moths to a flame. I’d pick out the best. They’d go for the rest. Sounds bad but true.

After marriage she slowly filtered out every one of my friends. Yet she endlessly brought friends home. When I worked 70 hrs a week in an intense job. Ever hear it’s not rocket science? Well I was in rocket science. Yet I couldn’t have a friend. No going to houses; fishing; working on cars; even eating out for lunch. I became completely isolated because of her insecurities. But a disease hits me. Doctors force me to be the mom. I’m a fucking cowboy. I hunt bears. I built shit for space. I draw blue prints. I teach Physics. I don’t change diapers & hang out with women breastfeeding. Well I did.

So what does she start doing. Going over to her friends houses on the weekends & after work. They’d eat out for lunch at “bars”. Male co-workers would also go. Sometimes it was just her & a male co-worker or her boss. But trust her. I did. She’d go on vacations to Florida with her parents. They’d pay as long as I didn’t go. They didn’t like her marrying a cowboy. So I could only go somewhere if I also paid their way. You catch that? I paid for them & drove them. But they left me behind.

She yelled at me constantly. I worked 7 days a week but didnt make enough money. Didn’t want a day off to spend time with them. About 8 days a yr I didn’t work. I’d hear what are we going to do about $. Your taking the day off.

I loved it. I still love her. I love my babies. But I never had all that drama with my friends back when I could have them.

See that’s what you need to get. I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. I loved my house; job; kids; cars; wife. OK I didn’t love her mom. Your brain chemistry will change.

Sadly my disease gave me an anerism. PTSD. All my shit came back out. So I’m back being a teen. That said; I know how to deal with it. I figured it out as a teen. So I try to help you kids. I know it can be done cause I did it.

Everyone here has depression. For everyone commenting there are 100’s not. There are millions of us. So your pretty normal. Our brains dont make chemicals correctly. It may be DNA; environment; upbringing; teenage years; anxity, or stress. Often a therapist & meds can help us thru it. My parents wanted me to commit suicide. Begged me to. Demanded it. I tried at 7. Almost died. I realized sonething. Right before you die yiu realize an idiot. We only get one life. Dont throw it away. Our brain chemicals overwhelm us in our teen yrs & early 20’s. It seems overwhelming. Giving up seems easier than living. Why? What else you got to do? Might as well keep living. Life is like a roller coaster. As a teen you seem to always be going down hill at max speed screaming in fear. But as you age that passes. You learn to work hard going up the hills. You learn to just smile & enjoy the ride as you go down the hills. You know you’ll go back up the hill agsin soon. The Bible says a day in Heaven is 1,000 yrs on earth i think. So if you live 100 yrs that means you will be in Heaven in 2.4 hrs or something. It just seems longer. I like the movie “Ready Player One”. They finally realize that we humsns are living the greatest virtual reality game ever. Only thing is we only get one life. we die & its game over. So we have to be careful. As an autistic everyone told me I was retarded & couldnt fox news anything. That i was like a robot. I could have given up. But like in Iron Giant I chose to br Superman.

Life was hard. But by my mid 20’s it started looking up. I married my best friend. Bought a house. Got a great job. Had kids. In my 40’s I met my favorite athlete ever. Nearing 50 I made a friend. They had music connections. I met a lot of famous singers. In high school I had a crush on a singer. Well i got to hang out with her in my 40’s. I watched my kids win academic awards. Play music. Win city; state, & even a national Title. At an out of state sports event i met an actor. He’s one of my favorites. Very cool. Ive owned a cool old sportscar; & a BMW. Ive surfed & dived. Hung out the side of a military helicopter. Helped build something that went to Mars. I got emergency training. Ive saved lives. I breathed life into a boy who turned blue. Saved a tiny girl. Had I killed myself Id never have experienced all of those amazing things later in life. I Love You. Jesus loves you. Please learn to love your self. To calm myself I watch comedies. I listen ro fun music; I sing & dance. I stare at flashing Christmas lights on my wall; or a lava lamp on the dresser as I listen to calm music or watch TV as I drift off to sleep. I hug a large pillow as I go to sleep. Who knows what your life has in store if yiu just have the courage to live it. My best moments were holding my wifes hand. Our first kiss. My kids being born; learning to walk, & saying I Love You Daddy. You get to treat your kids the way you wish you’d been treated. Dont quit. Live this life. Stay in your seat until your turn is over. Then go to Heaven. It will wait on you. I Love You. Jesus loves you. Please learn to love your self. To calm myself I watch comedies. I listen ro fun music; I sing & dance. I stare at flashing Christmas lights on my wall; or a lava lamp on the dresser as I listen to calm music or watch TV as I drift off to sleep. I hug a large pillow as I go to sleep. God Bless

Online therapy. Talkspace.com $65 week. Maybe this will be a good site if dont want goto officr. I goto an office. Ive heard this is a good online option. Why do you have suicidal thoughts. It starts with brain chemistry; DNA, & environment your brain developed in. You feel depressed; anxious; sad; unloved, & hopeless. Since most of you are like me ill talk a lot about me here. I care too much. If I watch the news i worry about people in wrecks; imigrants; the poor; hurt cops; hurt victims. i cry for people killed. i pray for people & their souls. i worry about my family; friends; neighbors, co-workers, even people who are mean to me. I worry about the environment; endangered species; old growth forest. i worry about the disabled; homeless, elderly. i worry about little boys with no dads. i worry sbout adteroids hitting the earth. I literally lived in a dump for yrs to givr $ to my mom & sister to help their kids. i bought them each s home. Paid for my sisters education. Even though my mom abandoned me as a boy. Even though my sister mollested me; stole from me, & for real tried to kill me. Even after marriage i kept taking from us to give to them. I would help strangers in stores. Help people with broke down cars. Give everyone a ride home. Buy people lunch. Help people in wrecks. It took having kids for me to grow up & find a balance. Ill discuss that next.

How I found a balance. I realized i had a responsibilty to myself. To live for myself. Enjoy life. To put my wife & childrens needs ahead of my family; friends; coworkers, & strangers. i still helped peoole in wrecks if i was the best option. sometimes i only calied for help. but thats still helping. I rarely took people home any more. I did good deeds & helped people; just a lot less of them. i put my kids & wife first. Me next. The rest of the world after that. We are so depressed because we expect too much of ourselves. Did our parents endlessly set standards we cant reach? Do we watch the news too often & let them stress us out over the climate & every other issue in the world. We must lower our expectations on ourselves. if its orhers demands; just do our best but dont get upset if we cant live up to it. We vant let unrealistic goals cause us to die. Dont let the world define us. we define ourselves. We decide what our lives will be.

We blame ourselves. Everything wrong is our fault. Often others conditioned us to be that way. Dont do that. BLAME OTHERS. I have PTSD because i was raped & tortured. Im depressed because my brain makes the wrong chemicals. People who blame others dont commit suicide. Just dont blame your kids. If i get covid its Chinas fault. If i cant find a job its the economies fault. Learn to be selfish. Learn to love yourself & focus on your needs. Just dont blame your kids one day.