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We were on a trip. Hawaii of all places and all I could think about was your lingering anger. I was going to ask you to calm down but you always were a stubborn woman and I was just a child. I’ll never forget how when our canoe hit an underwater net of tangled roots, tipping it over spilling out your phone and trinkets, you swam straight in my direction to yell at my face. You screamed you b****** and slapped me for the first but not only, time that trip. That was your rawest reaction, the first thing your subconscious wanted to do, that is what I remembers as I think of you.

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Author here, just to specify I was raised by an abusive mother, and up to that point she hadn’t done more than put her hands on me to shove me or called me stupid or generally hinting that I was a dislikable or uncontrollable child.

I spent that entire year doing my best to cater to her and watch out for her, I did everything in my power not to get hit or abandoned by her.

But she still found it in her to make situations escalate. Even ones where everything was going quietly like this moment,

A moment like that is hard to forget. My mother was emotionally unstable, semi-narcissistic and a bit too toxic to be raising a family, she always told her friends that some people weren’t meant to be parents she never through to apply that thinking on herself, and put me through hell.

My mother is unstable and her bad memories get pushed to the farthest corner of her brain she’s still in my life and lives as though she doesn’t remember anything about her violent days and her the abuse. Both are my biggest trauma.