I was naive, my relationships and friendships before I met him went wrong and I felt it was my fault ..
I was with a toxic controlling guy before him and even though it was ldr he caused me a lot of distress that I only understood after he ghosted me and I guess that's how I found out we were over ..
I had self esteem issues, trust issues family issues, mental issues academic issues.. and he was the light through those dark times, (the him in the first paragraph)
He made me like myself more, he made me believe I was beautiful and attractive and he was there for me through every dark minute and through every happy one if there was any..
I grew dependant on him because it was the first time in my life I felt loved truly ..
He taught me what real love is..
But I didn't know what I was doing, I was a bad influence on him, I was too sad sometimes, I caused him a lot of trouble and distress, I didn't know how to love without toxicity, without being horrible .. I blamed it on my issues and mental problems, but I feel sorry until today.
I wish I loved him more and fought him less
I thought that fighting means we're not communicating well, I didn't understand what was going, I felt him drifting away and I didn't know what to do ..
I was too naive I tried to understand, I should have let him go without letting him leave ..
The more I tried to hold onto him he slipped even further away
And now what?
I still think about him everyday, do I still love him? Idk
I do miss him
I don't know how to feel ..
I'm forgotten, I doubt anything even reminds him of me .. I'm probably dead to him as if I never existed..
I miss him and I wish he could understand that I'm sorry.
I should have love him more