Baby; yesterday was a great day. I also almost died. I’m on the edge. I’ve been there before, but no like this. My body wants to quit. Death has hovered over me my entire life. But I laugh at death. It’s hard to scare me. I saw your siblings again. Your mom is so sick. Could barely stand. I know your autistic brother could here me; so I showed my a$$ For some reason autistic people either don’t talk or talk out loud to themselves. Now I’m a warrior son. I once hung off the edge of a cliff by one arm for hours. Decided to rain suddenly. If I moved I probably died. Sun came out. Dried off cliff edge. I started climbing again. I was born different from others. Well I saw your mom. Broke my heart. That’s my woman. I’d die for her. Well they have new neighbors. The school did that. The new VP only loves the section 8 kids. Went after your brother because he & his friends would stand up to the gang bangers. I made sure I challenged her. Your brother is a hero Thor. He saw a tiny gay boy being beaten up by some section 8 gang bangers. He stopped it. That started this. He had already protected a disabled boy from them. In America we let or gang bangers do as they wish in our public schools. We pass laws to treat them like endangered species. Then they go after good kids. The principals & teachers love their future retirements. They must protect those kids; & don’t give an F about the rest. So when you siblings had to start public because dada lost his job & was on deaths door they got attacked. It scared them. The gang members owned the school. I went to Church. I tried to let it ride. Till they attacked your brother. He was such a kind sweet Christian. He got in the car beaten. I said son WTF happened to you? Covered in bruises. He started crying & told me. I pulled up his shirt; bruises everywhere. A gang had attacked my baby. No one Fs with my kids. I’ll F up their parents. This school was fixing to learn that your dada is one bad mother. I will go where angels fear to tread. The devil doesn’t scare me. Evil serves the devil. Like you, I am Thor. That’s where your name comes from baby. I am descended from Scandinavian warriors. We used to fight. No one could stand against us. No man who challenged me has remained standing. I’ve always won. I fear no man. I try to remain civilized for your mom. But I’m not. I cradled his little body. He was shaking & bleeding. Face all swollen. I gently put him in the floor. Made sure he was safe. Left him with your siblings. And dada did what he does. That school had not properly met me. They’d met the kind Christian. Now they’d meet who I was before I married your moma. It’s a long story. But the PE teacher; principal; & everyone was fixing to meet me. They tried to boss me around. But I had a beaten child. I demanded the arrest of his attackers. The cops tried to calm me. I was calm. I said I have relatives on your force. Do I need to call them? Took it higher. I had some high level friends. They were fixing to find that out. Every day I’d sit out in front of that school. Soon everyone loved me. Except for the employees who were not protecting children. They gave me my own security detail. That’s fine. Soon we were buddies. Cops like me. So each day I’d stand out there as the kids filed out. Let your brother know he was safe. His attackers were scared. Punk kids. They’d never seen a man like me. I’d check out your brother. He was their age. I made him take his shirt off. Let those boys see the big brother. I couldn’t legally do anything. But I could bring in kids that could. Well as you know it got real. Your siblings were great athletes. Took martial arts. They’d just never been in public school. Soon they were the head jocks. They’d lead these kids. Now the gang had to face all the big boys in school. I told the dads whose school had been taken over how we used to deal with gangs. Word spread. The moms baked cookies. We dad’s took back our school. So fast forward. Your mom divorced me. The new VP only cared about section 8 kids. That’s why she’s there. She started expelling all the boys who would fight her little punks. So I came back from the mountains & stared her down as she talked trash. I talked more trash. She was going to clean up the school. I said good. I have hidden videos of the gang members in this school. Other parents kids have taken them. I’m going to sue this city & school board. I’ve already talked to a lawyer. We have precedence. Im fixing to take your job. She didn’t like that. But since I couldn’t be there anymore; I put your brother in private Christian school. Forget about sports. If they want to cater to the hood rats. Then F them. So yesterday I saw fear. The neighbors all loved me. But their was a cleansing. I saved your brother. But some of the boys went to alternate schools. That’s the poor boys. Those who could moved away or did private school. That VP had used lies & the law to clean out the tough kids. Sent s message. About 14 boys gone. All the big kids. Well. Hope they like what happens in that school. That cowardly principal just wants to retire. So I return to a new neighborhood. A bunch of boys are gone. The soldiers have moved away. The cop moved away. The athletes moved away. You don’t see a bunch of boys laughing going house to house anymore. New neighbors. Your mom gets nervous. Word spreads. Your brothers the last of the boys left on that street. One other boy is left around the corner. The neighbor across the street got nervous. Put up cameras. People wonder why allthe boys moved away. So they have new neighbors. So I put on a show of force. I built a scaffolding the day before. Lot of work. I put it in front of the house. The new dads were watching me. I walked out. Took two fours. Started flipping them in the air & catching them. Men stared at me. I held two very long 2 by fours in each hand & climbed up a very tall ladder. I may have gotten hurt very badly. But your siblings needed this. I climbed out onto the center board. It looks dangerous from afar. But it’s not “if” you have worked in construction. I used to do that growing up with some relatives. In college I did it as a second job. IF YOU READ THIS NEVER TRY IT. IT TAKES MANY YEARS OF WORKING IN CONSTRUCTION TO GET TO THIS POINT. IVE SEEN A HIGH SCHOOL ATHLETE FALL TO HIS DEATH. Poor guy. You’d think you just die when you fall that far. It’s suppossed to kill you. But weird stuff can happen. As he fell a sudden gust of wind picked up. I can’t explain it. But he was still alive. But a mess. We couldn’t move him. He screamed & cried. Begged for his mom. Said he wanted his daddy. But they had divorced years ago. He had to become the man. Broke my heart. He took the job to help his mom. Now he was dying. We warned his mom. These jobs are only for the strong with great balance & reflexes. You loose focus for one second & you die. But it’s often not a quick death. Of course it’s much safer today. But still dangerous. Well I looked way up. How was he alive. But having soldier & cop relatives I know people who should be dead sometimes aren’t. I’ve showed up to help people, & held their hand as they died. Sometimes it takes a very very long time. I turn it over to the pros & leave. This young man took forever to die. I won’t describe the scenario. But let me tell you as people die they realize they loved this life. No matter how depressed or bitter they used to be. They don’t want to go. They cry for loved ones. They beg for help. But you can’t save them. You can only guide them as they leave. Most wont do that. They’ve seen it too many times. They just stare as the person dies. She’ll shock. You can only keep doing it if you remove yourself from the screen. I’ve held hands & my mind goes somewhere else as my mouth talks. Dear God please help them. My relatives deal with the failed suicides at times. Little kids. Teens. Young people. Don’t know they have a blessing. Life is a miracle. You look into space. Most of that is basically empty. Those stars are mostly surrounded by dead rocks. Nothing more. Gas balls. All meaningless without life to look at it. You have a short moment in time. Probably under 70 years; to experience it. Like me & Tyler Trent; Purdue super fan, we fight to live it. I’ve had to fight racism; being autistic; being an orphan; being raped for yrs; torture. But I’m still here. Tyler Trent let them operate on him without pain medicine to live a few more days. Yet people with healthy bodies throw away their one & only life because they are sad. I was chained like an animal. Tied upside down. I spent two yrs locked in a dark room all alone just because I’m autistic & have blond hair. You want to whine. Heck. I could do that too. I get depressed. I want to die. I’m sad. But then I shake it off & go live. No one being cruel to me. Society acting like I don’t exist. For years I tried to speak to people with sign. No one would bother to learn. So I willed myself to talk. Took many years. But now I do. Not well. Just like I can’t write or type well. But I can do some things most can’t. So this platform I built was very stable. I used to be an engineer. I’d change jobs. Made no sense. Anyways. I had built side rails. Big piece of plywood I’d re-enforced. I built this mess years ago to work on my old house. Kept it on case I ever had to work on this one. But it’s so heavy. It’s designed not to fall. I’m as safe as a baby once I get up there. But it scares normal people. That’s good. I’ve seen what happens when you fall & don’t die quick like you assume will happen. Over an hour of screaming & begging for help. We can’t save you. SO DONT WORK CONSTRUCTION. Unless you are good at such things. My uncle owned a company. Rough stuff. Anyways. Thor dada’s old & tired. Don’t know why I’m talking about that. Anyways. I got on top of that stand. Slowly turned circles with my 2 by 4’s. I couldn’t fall, but it hurt. But I was putting on a demonstration. I’m stronger than you. I can do what you can’t do. I was announcing to the new neighbors there’s no man living there. But one sure as heck can show up. And he’s quite the man. I turned on my cds. Crazy Train. Ozzy. Not a good choice for what I was doing. But I was sending a message. Best to be up there listening to calm stuff that keeps you focused. But I was letting the men know a tuff guy used to live there. Had kids there. He’s loud & obnoxious. But polite. Now my kids know not to ever try the stupid crap I do. They are aware they aren’t in a circus. Are not NFL athletes. Not genetic freaks of nature. Not Army Rangers. They are just normal kids. They don’t watch dangerous stuff on TV & go do it. They know I’m crazy. That I was a thrill seeker. That I used to surf & dive. Rock climb. Jump dirt bikes. Raced low level cars. I’d quickly get bored, & do something else crazy. But I’d tell them stories & find proof of what happens to idiots who do that stuff. Even if your awesome, you end up hurt. I have. Not severe. But I’ve seen people who got F’d up. Some die. So it’s stupid. They know not to do stupid stuff. When I was young it was popular. I think because of endless wars. Everybody went off & fought. Death. Disabled. It triggered that stupidity. I’m proud we are cleaning up football. When I played it was brutal. I’ve hit people with a forearm so hard I’ve broke jaws; knocked out teeth. Knocked one unconscious. I’ve hit people so hard I’ve felt bones give way. Heard the screams. Knocked people out. Flipped big people in the air. Rough stuff. I wouldn’t even let my kids play. The coaches tried. Nope. I love to watch it. But I’ve set nervously as kids I knocked out as a kid were put in an ambulance. That’s not who I want them to be. I didn’t even want to be that. So I quit. Whew. Dadas old Thor. I’m on fumes. So there I was loud & proud. Your autistic brothers hiding in that house. Missing me. He likes to talk out loud to himself. I don’t know why. I don’t do that. But when we used to go places he’d wave his arms & talk out loud nervously. He’d notice people staring & laughing at him. So I’d start talking loudly. I’d book my deep voice. I’d talk shit. I’d say hey. Did you know I’m a martial artist. Played football. Whatever. I’d talk shit. I don’t advise that unless you actually did all that. People will call you. No one ever wants to call me. I look like a gorilla. Only a fool picks a fight with a gorilla. So I turned off the music & loudly talked chit. I’m the baddest mother in the world. I can whip any man. I was trained by soldiers. I’m descended from knights. I’m strong. I used to play football. If you doubt that I bet you can’t do what I’m doing. People stared at me. Women went in the house. Men started mowing the grass. A neighbor who knows me & is a wounded vet laughed & went outside with his kids. Someone started hammering. Men were at work. Go inside & gossip ladies. Testosterone is on display. Everyone is a man that’s a man. They’d seen the alpha male. Knew he wasn’t going to hurt them. Now they felt safer in the neighborhood. I’m a nice person. Our neighbors loved me. The new neighbors just met me. Shows over. Get to work. Of course as I left the two divorced women who think my wife’s crazy for divorcing me started chatting. Did you see that. Did you here that. That big mother’s back. Dang right jack. But I’m not really back Thor. Two of your siblings came out. I crawled down off my stage. We laughed & talked. I taught them some stuff. Then I went back to talking loudly. Your autistic brother is afraid of the world again. Your moma is sick. She sent away your dada. He doesn’t know what to do. It’s a scary world. No one cares about autistic children. At least not enough do. One was shot recently. To many we don’t matter. That has to change. So I was talking loudly for him. There’s no way he didn’t hear me. People driving by in cars heard me. Thought who’s that crazy drunk. I’m surprised a cop didn’t come check on me. But people there remember me from Church, little league, etc. Its sad so much of our neighborhood exited all at once. Parents fleeing with their boys. Taking their girls too. Urban flight. Those who can run do. Those who can’t are left behind. The older parents whose kids are grown & remember the schools being safe & fair to all think we’re all crazy. It wasn’t their kids being attacked by a gang. Wasn’t there kids being suspended for nothing. Wasn’t there kids getting in trouble for fights other kids started. All that stuff seems good on paper. Until it’s your kid laying in the hall as bigger older kids stomp on them. My kids were early victims because they wore I LOVE JESUS shirts & carried a Bible. But then I taught my kids to leave that at the house. Put on a heavy metal shirt & go rocking. They learned dada was right. Between me & my brother we know everything. Yes I have a brother. Even bigger than me. We grew up separately a lot. Given to different people. We don’t know everything. Well. I got home late. Got a little sleep. I made your mom smile. She got out of bed. Could barely walk. Hands shaking she handed me food she just cooked for me. I’m crying baby. She shouldn’t have gave up on us. She thinks her mom is her best friend. But it’s always been me. That was for her too. As long as I draw breath if anyone ever hurts that woman they answer to me. I love you Thor. I don’t know if it’s right to share our personal private talks. You died as a little baby. Broke my heart. Broke your mommies heart. I keep promising you I will come to Heaven & hold your hand. But you have to wait. Other people here still need me. No matter how weak this body gets I have to will it to do the impossible. I put on a circus show. Then I set up there a long time pretending to work. I did nothing for hours. At one point I laid down. Tied myself in place. Slept. Not long. Cat nap. I did maybe 15 mins of work. It wasn’t about that. It was showing your family I still care about them. Showing the old neighbors I’m not dead. Showing the new neighbors there’s a big papa bear that can roll up with an attitude. Showing your sick brother trying to re-learn how to walk that his dad’s outside. Showing your sick mom I still care. I left real early. Had to. Body about to go crazy. Driving home was a nightmare. Drive. Pull over. Rest. Drive. Like I teach them. You never drive not at your best mentally. You must stay focused. No phones. No drinking. No talking. No nothing. The driver is always focused. It’s not just your life. It’s every life. So people get mad when I drive slow. I just pull over. Let the line pass. Sip some water. Put in some other driving music. Off again. I’ll never cause the wreck. As you know. I get flipped off; cussed, & etc. But I take driving seriously. After you help enough people in car wrecks; you slow down. There’s nothing worse; than pulling a small child from a car with the parents dead. Then later you learn the child died. You have to dig deep to keep helping. I respect the heck out of people who do that for a living. Be they cops; firemen; EMTs, their better people than me. I can barely doing it occasionally. Im not strong enough. I also love doctors & nurses. I’ve been dying I thought. People picking my big a$$ Up. I know I’m a load. Trying to save me. Nurses saying it’s all right baby. We’re going to save you. There is love in this world. You just have to want to see it. A lot of times they can’t smile because they see death too much. That’s why I’d humor my vet relatives. Set for hrs hearing about how they fought Hitler; Charlie; whoever. It’s the same enemy. Death. We are all fighting to live. No matter who our enemies are. A scared German fighting for the fatherland. A scared Japanese fighting for his island. S scared American fighting because you bombed Pearl Harbor. A scared Army Ranger who ran out of bullets. My scared uncle who missed the chopper & never came home. The nurse fighting to save your life because you tried to kill yourself. She will go home & cry. It breaks her heart when children kill them selves. I know. I helped raise a sister that did that. It almost broke her eventually. She can’t figure out why kids do that. She’s sad too. I’m sad. A lot of us are sad. Me when I climbed in that car to save you. When I jumped in the water to save you. There are many of us that not only risk our lives. We risk or mental stability to save you. I wake up reliving the horrors I’ve seen. PTSD sucks. But if I see you in need. And I’m the only one there to help. I will help. I had just got out of the hospital from a transplant. Was trying to nurse myself back. Heard a wreck. My neighbor & I helped you. He’s a wounded vet. Has trouble walking. You were ok. Just shook up. I opened my garage with his help. We walked you thru how to pull back the metal. Jack it up. Change your tire. Suggested you slow down. Then I pointed out the speed limit. That I’m related to cops. You may want to slow down before you kill a child. It says 35 or 25 because kids walk to school. Kids with no dads & a single mom are walking the street. We all have to care about & love each other. This is only a bad world if we make it that way. Whew Thor. I didn’t sleep enough. But I can’t. I gotta take those meds. Eat my one small meal. Going to be hard. My muscles are spasming. As soon as I start doing it the mess starts up again. But I plan ahead. Put all my meds; crackers; water; pee bottle by the bed. I’m not getting up unless I have to poop. I can delay that a long time if needed. When you decide no matter how hard this life is you will fight to live, you find ways to live. I’m no hero. I’m part kind; part a$$ hole. I accept that. One day I’d protect you from bullies that hit you because you were gay. Next day I’d outrun you on the track. Can’t help it. I’m autistic. I gave up waiting on you to love me. So I just love myself. I decided I’d live my life even if you do laugh at me. I lifted weights until no one wanted to hit me anymore.