I still think about my sexual abuser

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I was 14 and he was 13. 18th of December 2019.

I was over at his house and we were home alone. We were talking about Christmas and stuff because it was round the corner. He then brought up the topic of sex. I've always been an open person, especially to people I trusted. As we talked he got up and went around his room, pulled out a box and pulled out a condom.

"where did you get that?" I had asked. He said he stole it for us from his brother who was alot older than him. I told him I wasn't ready and didn't want to.

Thats when he first began to get angry. He began ranting on how it had been nearly a year and how we'd come so close to doing it so many times.

He began manipulating me

'But you'd do it if you loved me'

'do you just want me to break up with you?'

'if you really cared you'd do it with me'

I was emotionally unstable at the time due to other things happening in my life so I thought I needed him, and he used that against me. He knew how to pull all the strings to get me to do what he wanted. Its so disturbing to think about it because he was 13.

When I kept saying no, he grabbed me by the arm really tight. He was a big lad too, rugby player so he was quite strong and was able to pin me at my waist. He held me down, pinned my hips and began to take off my trousers. I tried fighting back, I really did but I just couldn't.

The whole thing went on for 2 hours. Through him pinning me to the dull pain of him being inside me, he didn't even finish, calling me a worthless whore for not helping him finish in the end.

After all of it, he cleaned me up, helped me sit up and hugged me, cradled me. He kept saying he was sorry, wiping the tears away and rocking me. I couldn't do anything, what could I do? I was not only mentally drained but physically. This was the first of many encounters untill I found out he was cheating on me and I broke it off.

But even then I wanted him back because he really made me belive I needed him. He really made me think I couldn't live without him even with all the sexual, physical and emotional abuse.

I still blame myself to this day, and cry about it alot although it's been a year.

Recently he came back in to my life though, he wanted to suport me in what I was doing online and even said he forgot everything that happened between me and him.

Well I haven't, and I don't think i ever will.