Sometimes I look at today's date and remember that only three years ago we used to be the best of friends. You were all that I had.It's now that I realize that you took advantage of that. I was lonely, I was so afraid to make friends. I was so worried that because I was a huge book nerd and that I was poor and smelly and so very ugly that no one would ever accept me. You told me I was beautiful, that I was pretty. You told me that you understood all of my pain from my childhood. I never once cried in front of you because I always wanted to be strong.I held you all those times you cried. I was always there for you through all of your breakups and through all of your bad days and your fights. I would've died for you. Quite literally I swear I would've.You were my only friend in this world...So when you hit me it shocked me to my core. I was imagining it, maybe you were just too emotional. I gave you excuse after excuse.When you told me that I was too ugly to even become a prostitute I tried to laugh with you about it even though it hurt me to hear it.You accused me of spreading rumors about you. I never did. I tired to explain to you that I never said anything and you pushed me up against a tree and tried to choke me. My other friends had to save me. I was so shocked that I didn't even know what to do.I grew wary of you, I was afraid to be around you. The next day you waited for me at school and tried to give me an apology letter. When I refused to accept it you shoved it down the back of my dress.Once again I forgave you. You came crying to me and I couldn't take seeing you cry. I was too naive, too gullible.That summer, the summer leading into my sophomore year, you wanted to come over to my house. I wanted to say no, but I was a people pleaser and I just wanted to make everyone happy. That was my one goal in life at the time, so I allowed it.You came over and played on my PS4 with me. You were hungry and told me to go make you some food while you played by yourself. I said okay and made you a snack. You threw all of it on the floor after eating a few bites and made me pick it up.My grandmother came home from work, she offered to make go and get us pizza. I was going to say no but you told me to say yes because you "haven't eaten all day."I didn't fight you on it and I told her that we wanted pizza. She left.For anyone still reading this I'm going to give a little warning. I'm scared of telling this story and I'll try to stay out of the details as much as possible but my mind is just telling me to write it all.When she left, it's like... it's like you changed. You told me to sit next to you, and when I did you pulled my chair even closer. I was confused but figured you were just being extra friendly.You started playing with my hair and kept trying to get me to sit on your lap. I said no playfully because I thought you were only joking. I got up to get us both drinks and on the way back you cooed "Thanks baby!" And you slapped my ass. By this point I was wildly uncomfortable, I asked you to stop. I don't know if you thought I was messing around or not but I wasn't. I meant it.You pull me into your lap and wrap your arms around me so I can't get up. I keep trying to pull away from you but you won't let me. You start touching my chest and try rubbing my thighs but I break away from you.What do I do? How do I make you stop? Is it still a joke?? Are we still messing around I don't understand. We've playfully flirted before but strictly as friends I made it very clear that nothing would ever happen between us. Word for word.So why?I don't know what to do. You shove me against the wall and pull up my shirt. I am so scared. I am so afraid to say no. To tell you to stop. You keep going. Ripping at my bra.Once done with that, you start trying to kiss me. I turn away I can't even breathe. I can't even think. I guess you take this as a sign as you start kissing my neck and you shove your hand down my pants.Please stop. Please I'm sorry if I gave you any indication that I wanted this I don't I'm sorry. Please I don't want this. But you can't hear my thoughts. I'm choking on my voice silently because there is only one thought louder than all my no's.You're my bestfriend. If I say no... will you leave me alone forever?This kept going on. And on.And on.I didn't say a word. I tried pulling away. I tried to push you off.I was crying.You didn't stop. I guess you didn't care. You broke me.I never thought this would happen to me. Especially not from you. You put your hands all over me. You violated me. You RAPED me. I will NEVER forgive you.But at the time, I didn't know that. At the time, I thought you would stop. I thought you would apologize. Say it was a joke.I was so fucking naive. So stupid.My grandmother came home and you pulled my shirt down as you pushed my back into my chair.My grandmother walked in saying the pizza was ready as you blocked her line of sight on me. You were telling her how grateful you were for some nice pizza and how you didn't have takeout much at your house while I stared down at my panties around my ankles. She walked away and you came back over to me and just started laughing.You picked up my underwear and stuck them down the front of your pants and you just rubbed them against you. Then you took them back out and made me put them back on.You grabbed my pants and pulled them up on me.I had no clue what was even happening.You ate your pizza, got my grandmother to take you home, and then acted like it never happened.You would still come up to me at school and try to hug me and act like my bestfriend. Act like nothing had changed.It took me six months to tell someone else about it. And I didn't even want to then.I told my other friend about it. Long story short another friend overheard and it got leaked around the school. You looked bad, people called you a rapist.I didn't want others to know. I was ashamed. The police came to the school to talk about it and I lied. I said all you did was touch my thigh. I had to leave school because we had the same lunch period. I knew that you would see me crying and think that you'd won.After that, I never really thought of you, never spoke to you. Until a few months ago.You started dating my brother.You told him that I bullied you. That I lied about being raped. You told my brother that I wanted it, that I was giving you signs that I was a lesbian and that I liked it.You turned my brother against me. And I don't even have the balls to confront you.The reason I'm here today is because I'm still scared. Scared that my whole family will turn against me. Scared that my boyfriend won't love me as much because I'm used goods. I'm scared that people will really believe that I lied about being raped by a girl I've know for years. I just want to put it all on here. I'm scared, yes, but I am stronger now. So much stronger. My confession is that even through all of that, some part of me still wishes I could go back and time and prevent that from happening. Part of me still wishes that we were still friends.My confession is that I still think about you every other day. Most of the time it's at night when I cry myself to sleep knowing that I may very well have to see you for the rest of my life when you scare me. When I hear your voice I tense up. If you touch me I might just die.I've tired to kill myself so many times because of you.Enough ranting though. My confession, the truest one I can form, is that I am done with this now. Sure, I may still think of you once in a while, and I may still have painful memories and moments. But I'm done. You will not hold me here in this place any longer. Read my words and see this: You are nothing to me now but someone I used to know. No longer are you my rapest, no. Now you are nothing but a bad memory that left a bad taste in my mouth. I love myself more than you could ever hate me.Thank you for listening.