I think I fucked up my life beyond repair

Time Spent- 39m
19 Visitors

I’m in the worse place I’ve ever been in my entire life both mentally and physically. I isolated myself (quarantine “helped” so much) to the point that I haven’t seen anyone apart from my best friend almost 6 months, some people even longer.

I’m not a teenager but Im still young, just 32 and where I am now it’s awful, terrifying and I’m unable to stand the idea that I would spend the rest of my life like this.

I have something that’s called fat fetish. But towards myself... weird I know. For some reason it turns me on to imagine myself fat, when I gain some weight or simply when I’m full from overeating. But I kept it in a fantasy folder for almost 28 years. But then suddenly I felt overwhelming crave to at least put like 2-3 kgs just as a teaser to please myself... no one will ever notice I’ll lose it immediately blah blah....at that time I was curvy but definitely not fat and around 80 kgs. Since then I never stopped gaining. I was just simply hooked by it and it was like I was in a trans enjoying every day of it and developed that insane idea that the bigger I get the more I feel like myself.... I gained 60 kgs in 3 years. It was already bad, huge change.... and then quarantine started and I worked from home from March up until now. I barely went anywhere... and I gained over 55 kgs in less then 9 months. I don’t know exactly how much I weight now but I know it’s close to 200 kgs. And my hell started 3-4 months ago as was bigger and bigger literally every day. Everything worsened over night. I’m now barely walking only around my 45 square meters apartment. I can go to toilet and take a shower and that’s about it. I can’t sleep well, my legs are heavy and painful... I just order food, work on my laptop from bed... wear 6xl shirts, cry all the time and I’m scared shitless. I never in my wildest dreams thought this might happen to me. I honestly don’t know how this happened. I’m mostly alone, have no one to help and help is needed more and more. During the night I cannot sleep because I have raging anxiety that one morning I would just not be able to get up. I remember watching ppl like me on TV and how grossed I was and judgemental. And look at me now. I just wait for time to pass with no strength and motivation to do anything.