TW: Sexual Assault
A few years ago, I was in a club with some friends. Prior to getting there, we drank a lot. In fact, so much, I was already very drunk when we got there. While on the dance floor, we met a guy. I danced with him and we ended up making out. He then processed to slide his hand in my pants. I tried to pull myself away but he was really insistant so I just froze. It felt like I couldn't move. I was so drunk I could hardly move or realize what was truly happening. I don't remember well what happened after that. I remember finally leaving his grip and going in a corner and cry. I blacked out for the most part of the night after that. I can hardly remember what I did. I know he came back to talk to me but I tried to ignore him. My friend told me he bought me some beers that I drank but I have no memories of that happening. The next day I felt so ashamed and scared of what had happen.
This leads me to today, wondering what happened because I still feel very uneasy and guilty thinking about this. In my country, there is currently a big wave of people who have been sexually assaulted calling out their aggressor. People are sharing their stories and it got me thinking a lot about my own experience. This current situation got me wondering if I even was sexually assaulted and I can't rationalized whether or not it was a sexual assault knowing that I was very drunk and consentant for the kiss but definitely not for the rest. I was obviously very drunk and he knew that. But I never told him no? But he never asked me if it was okay?
This situation is haunting me still to this day and I can't talk about it to my friends because I'm scared they will think I'm exaggerating or being too much. Also, I feel like I'm overreacting when I know there are people that have gone through so much worse than me and this is kinda my fault, I could've controlled myself and not drink that much, not got so drunk.
I'm confused and I just need clarity to take the next step in getting over this.