i think I'll be comforting my loved ones if I'm killing myself

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i have this thought in my head to kill got this plan since around 2years. i think I'll be doing a favor to my loved ones by that decision. i don't think people will be bothered by the news of my death for more than a month maybe. it'll be just another spooky story they can share later with their friends. "someone i knew has committed suicide". so random. i feel I'm just causing trouble to people by existing. like you create a scene. you say mean things. you complaint. there's no good times with me. it's so rare and yet not important enough. i think i can try it anyday. no one at my home would find out unless it's dinner time or something. it'll be easy and quick. but strangely i feel like i could push myself to my maximum toleration. could wait for what's the worst moment I'll be trapped in where i could try it without having second thoughts. I don't feel bad having these thoughts. i dont have any interests dreams ambitions duties. i mean my existence is not making any difference in the world. but it's giving me trouble. surviving isn't easy. why survive with so much difficulty if you don't want to? i dont think i care about anyone else's feelings. not worried if I'm going to hurt them. so i think it's better if i end this for anyone with me. to pass the unknown. forever. unbothered forever.

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