lately, when the clock hits 9 o'clock, whatever i'm doing (mostly binge-watching) in my room, i would feel ... i don't really know what to call it, because i don't think i'm sad or lonely, i just feel terribly bad. i would start crying, thoughts would arise in my head that would come out of nowhere; mistakes in the past, which i believe would result to my demise in the future, and yeah, eventually worrying about what place would i end up in the world if it's so terrible right now? well, maybe i'm scared. that my life won't end up the way i hope it would be. or at least i won't be happy where it'll end up. i'm only 18, a few months away from college, and i would always tell my self to give tomorrow a shot, because maybe it's not gonna be so bad. but what if it does get bad? what if i'd be stuck in this phase while the world around me went on? so i would sometimes think of not giving it a shot, because what for? i don't think i'm the type of person who did a remarkable thing in my past life to attain a good one now. but the religion my parents introduced me to scares me. because what if what they say is real? that god is real? and that you'll get punished for taking your own life? and what if my mom goes mad when i do? i don't want her to, but i kept wanting to leave her behind. i have no one to reach out to, so i started cutting since i was 13. and even now that i stopped, i still can't reach out to my most trusted person. i can't burden her more. i want to get professional help, but i'm in the slums of poverty. what should i do?