It was a month before board exams. My mom told me that I would not pass, nor will any hospital accept me afterwards. The confidence I gained from years in school and hospital has dissipated with months of verbal abuse. I planned how I would end it. A quick death, I would know. I studied it. I know where my carotids are and where to find them. I know where my favorite kitchen knife was. It was pointed and very sharp. Nobody would find me until next morning. Hopefully the maids will see me first and not any of my younger siblings. I wouldn’t want to traumatize them.I looked at my sleeping baby brother beside me. I’m sorry to disappoint. And I remembered all my past psychiatric patients. Some I met when they attempted suicide and failed then got sent to the hospital. It felt so silly. I was one of them now.Even when my entire body and mind itched that I get up from bed, go downstairs to the kitchen and do it. Just do it. I forced myself to close my eyes and let it go. I have decided to live.