Smart-assI acted like a smart-ass cos of my own insecurities. I'm delusional. I'm just a person in the average range there isn't anything special about me. I should have been better to the people who respect me. In the past people would have fun bullying me, and I couldn't figure out a solution and if I did my fear and obsessions would get in the way. This lead me on to feel significantly better or lesser to a person, rarely equal. People are better than other people in things, but I feel most comfortable when I feel like I'm equal to everyone. RevengeI felt like I wanted to ruin so many peoples life once I'm in power cos they ruined mine especially these 3 people. I couldn't defeat any of the three. One (male) was too strong and tall, the other would use her looks to keep in power and made her untouchable, but the other (male) was more atypical in his approach but way more cunning than any of them. These 3 had the support of a lot of people in the class which added to their power. There was one huge moment in my life where I cried in class (every other time I would do it in private) the majority of the class were bullying me they would kick me, take my stuff make me chase after it, make fun of me, constantly tell me I'm on drugs thanks to my face and inability to sleep and then finally the alpha called me a spaz and I started crying. I didn't even mind the alpha and it wasn't his fault but I found It the easiest to blame him cos I was too afraid of the others. When I started crying everyone blamed the alpha even the people who were actually responsible for making me cry and they didn't say anything to admit it was there fault and would never talk about it cos I cried pretty bad and I never cried in class before. No one would really comfort me except one friend (2 others were away that day), he stuck with me when no one else did. After that day I did become socially better but at the cost of some of my emotions. The feeling of revenge I wanted on those people also made me hurt people who respect me.GirlsI am awkward around girls my age cos I have this huge fear response around them and made a lot of them uneasy. I apologise. I never been in love or had any kiss even from a girl my age. I feel like if she did any of that with me her friends would treat her worse and people would make fun of her and when we're together and other people are around they'll make fun of us. I'm hoping I would meet one socially awkward as me but I'm afraid I won't like her (especially cos of physical attraction which seems so superficial by me) and I end up breaking her heart and just feel guilty about it. I'm afraid people would say "who do you think you are! you're a nobody!"And I'm afraid of the pain I'll feel if she ever leaves me or cheats on me.