2020 was probably the second worst year of my life, for me it started with a lot of naight terrors and halucinations. I started hearing people telling me that I would be the reason for everyones death and then I started seeing them killing themself everyday. It didn't bother me at first because I thought that they desserved it but the longer it went on the more tired it made me and the more it started to break me slowly but steadily. That lead into a lot of sexual encounters, sadistic behaviour, and actions that I wont ever be able to atone for. It even lead me to try to commit suicide on multiple occasions.But there was this one thing that made me slightly agitated, I saw my friend crying over someone and it made me jealous because I knew that I'd never cry for anyone nor have anyone cry for me so I made plan that after summer break I would make that friend like me and then break up with her and change schools. I do not know why it made me want to do this but I did it but in the end I started caring about her and my hallucinations never got better so it became nerve wrecking cause everyday I'd see her get hurt, beaten, killed, killing herself and sometimes even me killing her. so broke up with her after two days of me caring about her, I lied to her a lot telling her that I specifically wanted her and that I loved her. I honestly don't care about her at all right now but it makes me feel weak that I couldn't go through with my plan just because of my fragile state of mind.