I don't remember when I started this lie. I suffer from depression, anxiety, OCD, BPD, and so much more. I sometimes see things in the dark, like everyone else, but decided one day to tell my mother and family that I experience vivid hallucinations, to add onto my long list of mental illnesses. This lie has lasted several years, through many medications, therapists, and help groups. I recently started dating someone who experiences it for real, and he told me once that he saw a group of demons hiding in my closet. I faked a freak-out, going on some information I said to my mother a few nights before, and said that I had seen eyes staring at me every night from under the door. I've faked freakouts before and they always deceived each person in the room, this time was no different. Except for the fact that I actually started crying and feeling terrified. I thought at first that it was maybe because I was imagining what the eyes would look like and it scared me. But I think that the truth is that I've not only succeeded in deceiving everyone around me, but I'm starting to convince myself that this lie is real. My freakouts usually consist of me thinking, "Yes, pay attention to me, try to comfort me, I'll only push you away, make my voice shaky as I tell you no" Things like that. But I literally felt terrified and my head was screaming, begging that it wasn't real.
Am I actually insane/schizophrenic? Or am I simply starting to believe this lifelong lie?
I'm scared either way, and I can never tell anyone this because I know for sure that it will immediately destroy our relationship and I will be alone all over again.