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I wanna feel good again

I am third born daughter to my parents! I have been a quite, studious and bright student since kindergarten!Back then I used to be everybody's favourite including my teachers and people around me! Everybody wanted to be friend of me.

But I always doubted myself! I always thought I was never enough! Thought I didn't deserve the attention! Thought I always get things effortlessly! So I decided to transfer to other school!

As always I got good grades even in other school without much of efforts.I was an image of studious girl even in that place.I never accepted that some people around me idealize me! Time passed by and was already time to choose a different high school.I couldn't get into the high school I was trying to get into but I got into one of the best known schools around. I also didn't get the scholarship I was expecting for. I knew someday it was coming but it hit me hard. My worthlessness in my own eye grew more and more.

I couldn't do good in highschool. There was a huge void in me,and I don't know what that was about.Highschool wasn't much for me.It finished in blink of an eye. I don't have any special things to remember about high school.

Now the main thing is,it's time to choose college! But that studious girl is lost somewhere right now! I have no interests in things as I used to have before. I don't wanna talk to people around! I feel like I am being worthless day by day! But I don't wanna upset my parents! They trust ne whole heartedly so they have let me relax and decide my future though it's been 495 days till I've finished high school.

I wanna be me again. I wanna feel things the way I used to. I wanna enjoy food the way I used to. I wanna move forward, I wanna leap,I wanna run for everybody's way ahead of me. But I've got zero motivation. To make things worse I am also a techno addicts these days! Don't know if I can't focus on my life because I am techno addict or am I techno addict because I wanna avoid life that is ahead!

I am all fucked up ! I should've been hope of my family but I am just opposite rn! This isn't me! It's just like my body is stuck with different soul! I wanna move I wanna change, but I can't ! I wanna feel good again but I can't!