I want people to know who I am and the things I enjoy about myself so here it goes:
I play the sax and I'm really proud of myself for my musical achievements. I feel like I can display such a large range of emotions through my music and it feels like therapy to me.
I love how much I love music:) it just means so much to me
When I think about certain places and cities I've been to, I get an odd feeling of belonging. It's the best feeling to be somewhere- in a foreign city or a bookshop- and to feel like you belong. To visit somewhere for the first time and be familiar and at ease with your surrounds- to feel that this is where your soul has been before and it is glad to be back.
I'm pretty good at connecting with animals like dogs and cats. I always know how to get them to trust me.
I couldn't get too far tonight without thinking about my dad and I think I need to get this off my chest.
I'm angry with him. He hurt me so badly and didn't think twice about it. For years and years. At this point in my young life, I'm dealing with more emotional damage/trauma than most 30-40 year olds. It hurts that he would do that to someone he's supposed to love and protect. Part of me thinks that he hated me and didn't care how he treated me as I was growing up. He had to raise me on his own and I took away so many years of his life. I'm not sure if he knows it about himself or if he'd even acknowledge it as a possibility if I asked. But that's what hurts. I don't know what I did to deserve it and there's nothing that can be taken back. All I want now is to be loved. But our relationship is so strained that it's nearly impossible. It's similar to when you do yoga and slowly release the tension in all of your muscles one by one- you didn't realize how tense you were before because that seemed normal to you. The worst part is, there's nothing and no one trying to relieve the tension and now he's moving on with his life. I moved out of the house to start my life and now he's engaged, dedicated to starting his life over again. Will he want to fix things from his 'past life' if he has the chance to move on and forget? It all hurts so much and I can't even pretend that it doesn't. Not right now anyway.
Well, I feel a little better now that I've figured some of that out. I hope you all sleep well, I'll keep these updates coming. I really do want to get better and I think this is helping.