CW: suicideI was talking casually about killing myself to my friend which is very normal for me. Passive suicidal ideology and all that. They told me not to do it and that they needed me. All I could think of was telling them to join me. I bet I could convince them if I really wanted to. I know how to really fuck with them in a way that would keep me looking like the good guy. Not that I really want them to get hurt. I really do care about them deeply. They are so wonderful and have suffered so much. Me dying would probably push them over the edge. They would at least end up in a mental hospital again. Passive suicidal ideology has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember but my memory is shit anyways. I don’t see anything wrong with suicide. “Suicide is selfish. Think of the people around you” oh fuck off. Forcing me to live a life I’m miserable in is fucking selfish. Unfortunately my mind and body have been disconnected from each other for a long time so it stops me from doing anything that would harm me. That just leaves my mind to imagine all the ways I could end it. My body twitches everytime I think of those ways as if trying to stop me. I might have a crush on them. Idk it seems like romantic emotions are illusions and don’t mean much to me even though I know I’m not aromantic. Affection doesn’t feel any different no matter who I do it with. Kissing a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, hookup, strange all feel the exact same to me. But I want to kiss them as I pull the trigger the bullet going through our heads. They are like a rose that’s been stomped on. It still seems beautiful even though it’s so damaged. Yes I have a therapist. Yes I have meds. No they haven’t helped but it’s nice anyways. My brain doesn’t work right. I have a hard time learning things, my adhd makes it hard for me to read large sections of text and sometimes when it’s really bad I have a hard time reading lone sentences, my memory is terrible, I have trouble doing things if I haven’t been shown but even then I might just forgot what I just saw and learned. My emotions are jacked. Things can’t help me when I’m in a mood I have to just ride it out. I get needy when I start getting attention which is why I was a whore during high school and first half of college. I hate their hands on me but I love it too. I hate and love everything. Absolutely everything so nothing can give me any lasting joy. They have ptsd. I’m pretty sure they were molested as a child. I think maybe by a family member. Probably an uncle because that’s who it usually is. I could help the pain stop. The world doesn’t want broke useless people like us anyways. I wish they would join me. But I can’t kill myself anyways so I’ll just think about it. Don’t bother telling me life is worth living. I don’t follow any religions so I don’t care if it’s just blackness or I go to hell or where ever else. It’d be more entertaining than this. I’m just 22 years old. Fuck this life is worth it bullshit. It’s not.