It started about 4 months ago. These thoughts. These thoughts on giving up everything instead of fighting for what's left.
I swear I was never like this. This is not me. No matter how tough the situations were, I never once thought of quitting. I am not the type of person to quit. I fight. I was strong, even though it was just for looks but I was strong. Strong enough to control myself and to tell my brain that suicide is a wrong thing. Taking your own like is a crime. I can't do that. But now, it feels like I've lost all the touch from the reality. I can't gather one single reason to tell my mind that why giving up is not an option. I just can't find any. How do I do it? It feels so foreign. These feelings. As if I'm trapped and someone else is controlling my body, and I'm just standing here helplessly watching them mess my life up! When I try to protest, they suffocate me. I feel suffocating. I feel claustrophobic. I don't know what's happening.
I want to tell someone all these things so bad. I want someone to hug me and tell me– "it's okay you can cry now" , because right now i don't even know how to cry! I can't cry no matter how desperately I want to.
I'm banging the bars of this cage, telling my captor to stop smiling, it hurts, let me cry because I can't take it anymore but they won't stop smiling, rather they laugh and laugh. I don't know why exactly....to hurt me more or to make sure that the world can't see ME and my pain.
But what hurts the most is the fact that so many people are watching me wear that disgusting fake smile but no one is noticing how fake it is. Not even my parents.
My parents...they're just another story. I'm pulling myself away from the reality and they're letting me do that. They're not even holding me, stopping me, asking me what has happened? Why I'm behaving like this? Am I hurt? Am I in pain? No, they're just going with the flow. If I'm being distant and cold, they're acting more distant and cold. How am I supposed to survive with this. How? When I don't have a single human who can listen, understand and respect my pain.
I tried to kill myself today. I tried, but I couldn't. No one knows. No one will ever know.
It's sad. It's very sad.