I want to die but I'm scared. I want to die because I feel so lonely and like no one is there for me. It's really scary, I feel like the only way this will be solved is through death. I made so many jokes about dying to make myself believe that I don't really want to die, it's just me having fun. The past 6 years have been hard on me, quarantine made it worse. I get compared to other people by my own parents which lowers my self-esteem. I just want to vent from everything for once, I guess this is what the platform is for, venting. I started crying in front of my parents today because of a really small issue. I just did not want to get my phone taken away. They called it addiction, but my phone is my happy place. Not like social media and stuff, I have to have social media to want to be with it forever. It's just, being online and knowing about other people feeling the same way I do just helps A LOT! Like, I remember that I'm not alone and maybe I can learn a thing or two. But yeah, back to the point, they kept saying they would take away my phone, and I started CRYING so much. I wasn't only crying because of the phone, I was crying because I wanted them to know how I'm feeling and how my life is but I'm always too scared. I grew up not talking about my feelings, so that stage of our relationship was gone and it is super hard to bring back. This is exactly why I stay in my room all day long everyday. You see, when I’m in my room, I can cry as much as I want and there will be no one there to say anything about it. My parents told me to be outside my room, to avoid getting told off, I did. But the only problem is I’m a “cry baby”. They also say that I’m always crying. But they don’t say it in a way where it’s funny, they always say it in a way that makes it sound like it’s a big problem and that it should be stopped. I feel that way too, but for some reason, I can’t stop. I should solve this as soon as possible. But I have to wait until I’m 20 because that’s when I can make sure my mental health is in check without my parents or friends or family knowing about it. I’m ashamed of feeling this way and I just don’t want to feel worse with people saying that I’m a cry baby or something like that. It sucks. On top of that, I'm constantly reminded about how I'm not slim. I have people who ask me about how it's like to be fat or that I show that I eat a lot. I stress eat, but I can't tell them that because they might make fun of me. It's got to the point where my own family points out my weight gain. I tried telling them I'm stressed but they just go like "What's there to be stressed about?". I mean I expect this from my brother but not really from anyone else. I am the epitome of confused and I just have no idea about what to do. I think about talking to my friends but I'm always wondering is I'm being selfish or just trying to bring attention to myself. Plus, I don't want to be a burden. I want to die but a part of me makes me think that people care if I die. Like I would leave them feeling sad. Most of my day I spend thinking that they don't care but the moment I try to kill myself, I start to think about if it is worth it. I have once attempted it, it was about 4 years ago. I recently found the note I wrote, I realised it just got worse over time.