Honestly... I don’t know how I should start. I feel broken and so so lost. I’ve lost almost every friendship I’ve ever had over my life whether it was because of a move on either end or a fall through. Sometimes I feel like I’m just not good enough to be a friend to people. I finally settled down somewhere with great friends and even had a councillor for a while. And in less then a month we’ve moved an entire state away. It’s been about a week and I have no motivation. I hate being around my family who calls me moody, lazy, and are constantly back stabbing. I’ve never had support from them. I’m tired of making relationships because they never last. I’m tired of everything.i find myself hiding in my loft bed with lights around me and a cup of tea. I crawl into my blankets and watch or read. This is my escape and it helps me not dwell on everything rlly happening in my life. When it stops, I break down. I feel so alone and anxious. I scratch and pick at my skin to the point I can’t even show my arms or legs without this overbearing shame. My mom tears me apart whenever she sees it. My mom applied me for a lifeguard job in two days. I can’t show myself like this. My scars and skin are horrible. I have no protein or nutrients in my meals and barely have the motivation to work out. I’m not cut out for this job. It makes me so anxious at the thought of other peoples lives in my hands. I feel incapable and worthless. I just want to run away but there’s nothing for me out there. I dont know what to do besides pretend nothings wrong and just force myself to do whatever is placed in front of me and hide my emotions away. This makes me empty enough to get a job done but it always comes back and I’ll have these horrible break downs when I’m alone to crying until my nose bleeds and screaming until I lose my voice. Therapy is to much money and I feel out of options and alone.