He told me that he loves me. He told me that he was going to compare other girls to me. He told me that I'm his world. Can you believe it? Because I can't. I pushed every single guy away that's told me this. I don't think I'm cruel inside, at least I hope not. I care for them. I stay up late for them just so they don't feel alone. I'll listen to their problems. I'll help them out in every way I can. but, I could never love them romantically. I want to fall in love, it's something I've always dreamed of. But every single time I try something happens. So this summer I thought I would try again. I went to a party and met a guy, and from there we really clicked. We would sneak out at 1 am and would go on these adventures. They were pretty long adventures, but when I was with him I lost track of time. We were comfortable with each other, always laughing and smiling, and sometimes we would even fight. We skated downtown, snuck into abandoned places, explored the middle of nowhere, and went on a road trip. Then one night I kissed him. From there we started acting like a couple, but we were nothing more than friends. Side note: I would go on dates with other guys, and he knew this. He didn't seem bothered by it, because he would tell me about all of the girls he was talking to. And these dates I went on I told the guys that we should just remain as friends. But why go on a date if you're not interested in the person? I wasn't using the guys I would pay for my own things, but maybe it's because I feel bad if I told them no (unless they're a creep). Then one night he was driving downtown. And I was just talking about random toppings that would sound good on pizza. Out of nowhere he told me about how much he's liked me, and how hard it was to watch me go on these dates. He caught me off guard because I was enjoying the pizza topping conversation. I told him I was never interested in the guys I went on dates with and explained why. But I also told him that I don't like him as more than a friend. But why? It was true, but we acted like a couple. We would cuddle, kiss, he would carry me every single time I tried to tackle him. But I never caught feelings like he did.A part of me knew that I couldn't fall in love with him. That's why I went on these dates, so I wouldn't catch feelings for him. He was going off to college, I still have high school to finish. I felt like if we were to date I would hold him back. The college he was going wasn't far either. It could've worked, but I didn't want it to. I didn't want to catch feeling for him, but I told myself I would try to fall in love again. But this time again, I'm not letting myself. A few days ago he went off to college. Before he went off we hung out one last time. I told him to have fun in college and enjoy the time there. He told me it was going to be boring without me. But I knew deep down inside that it wouldn't be boring for him, that he was going to meet great people. And he did. After that day I pushed him away. I ignored all of his texts and calls. Just so he would forget about me, or hate me at least. I wanted what was best for him, and that was for him to not like me or at least to not hold onto me. But I hate how he put me in a situation where I had to break his heart. I hate how because of him I put myself in a position to break other guys hearts. And I hate that when I was with him, I told him all of the secrets that I could never tell anyone else.I care for him like how I cared for the guys in the past. But then again, I could never give them what they wanted. And that was to be with me.