In 2017 I fell ill and lost everything. My wife and I had just had our second child. Life was great. We got married in 2013, built our own house and started our lives together. Then I fell ill. I lost my peace, my career and ultimately my wife left me. I had nothing and moved in with my father at 36 years old. While ill I suffered so much that despite having two beautiful children I wanted to die every single day to make the physical and mental agony of my illness stop. I never wanted to die but I was in so much physical distress that I needed it to stop. Miraculously I got better and healed. But I had lost everything that mattered to me. since then I have fought to rebuild my life. I have tried various careers but still now in 2021, 3 years later have been unable to get back onto my feet financially. Its a battle every single day trying to accept my situation, and live with gratitude. But I do. I love my life and I love my children. But for the first time since being well I can honestly say that I want to give up. I want to put the barrel of a gun in my mouth and squeeze the trigger. I cant fight anymore. I am an intelligent man and still I cannot find my feet, my place. its been 3 years.... the pandemic has not made it any easier as careers are hard to come by. But I'm tired. I feel like I'm not living my own life. Like I'm watching a movie. Its like the I'm watching the movie "7 Pounds" but the ending is different. Before I wanted to die due to illness, to make the pain stop. But for the first time I have to confess that I just want to die because I have nothing left inside of me. I'm a failure. I failed my wife, I failed my parents, and worst of all at 36 years old, I have failed my children.