I want to die. So badly, more than anything. But I will not kill myself, because the only thing that is worse than the pain I'm feeling would be my mom's face if she found my dead body. Every single day I pray for some truck to ram into the side of my car, or I will contract a deadly disease, or I'll get murdered. All because I would have something else to blame for my death, other than myself, so my mom wouldn't feel like it was her fault.