god hates me. I know because when I was a child I wanted to be a priest. I was so interested I started memorising the prayers in a language I didn't understand. I could have been there one day if not for my gender. I am a woman. In god's world I am not allowed to take an active part in my religion. I can't taylor the religion to help the needs of women. I'm ment to shut up and be fucked. So god let his priest rape me when I was 6 years old and did nothing. And I was raped over and over again because god gave me no way out. I could only escape by hating god. But as if to torment me god killed my dad and got that priest to do his funeral. While I was supposed to be crying at the loss of my dad I was instead watching him make a fool of me in front of my family. How is my dad supposed to rest after that. Now I've finally spoken out but in gods world priests have an easy escape from the law. They are god's people who do no wrong. I'm the slut who turned him on with my lipstick and full length skirt. And they others at the temple well they believe the priest. I don't believe there is a religion which prioritises a woman's safety over their priests desires. At the end of the day god is a buisness designed to aid the liars. And I fell for that lie and have hated him ever since. Because of god I lost my family's respect. Counsellors get mad cos I offend their religion. If you are so easily offended you shouldn't be a Counsellor. But I guess the low grade and ethical mindset requirements make it easy for frauds to call themselves mental health experts. Counsellors don't work for me either. I honestly don't think most Counsellors have a good education based on how easy it is to get a psychology degree. Most Counsellors aren't willing to learn or bothered about helping you. I have a friend who is hoping to be a Counsellor but the way she talks about it seems more like the only reason she is interested is to get the latest gossip. I find they are less about helping and more about being nosy. Imagine being the therapist of a victim of a crime and knowing everything they know. My point is they don't work and its not because you're a lost cause but because they are. Be proud of keeping yourself alive and doing it for free for that matter. I cope by picturing myself dying in creative ways. Its almost like meditation where I can feel the pain and dizziness and the comfort that comes with death. I imagine it in great detail and it helps me sleep. Sometimes I wake up and decide to paint my death or write a poem about it or a short story. My aim is to live and truly experience and understand my emotions rather than suppress them. At some point something makes me feel better again but until then this is how I cope.Now I know god hates me and I'm destined for hell but before I die of suicide I need to kill god.