I had promised that I won't tell anyone about this but I'm getting crazy, I can't stand it anymore. I can't look for help with the subject and I can't speak out about it with absolutely no one.I'm 21 years old, my teacher is 46. We are both women. I had a strong crush on her three years ago, a lot of things happened and she rejected me for obvious reasons (she's my college teacher). But from time to time we would become friends, there's a lot of connection between us, even since the first day we've met in the classroom. I hated her, but I was her best student. Suddenly my perception about her changed completely and I was so attracted that I started to give her little draws with suggestive messages on the back of the paper. I don't want to get in detail about how it happened so I'm going to start from the end. By 2018 I was battling with depression and she saved me from committing suicide, after that episode our friendship grow bigger and stronger.By the first days of February's 2020 I have had finished my finals and my first sexual encounter happened with my ex-girlfriend (The first one I've ever have) and my teacher (I'm calling her E so you could understand) was so happy about everything that she invited me to her house to watch movies and eat hamburgers to celebrate (This was in February's 14, at the time we were already so close we would talk about everything). That day's afternoon I was lying on the couch and she was sitting next to me in another separated chair while watching a movie, I took her hand and put in on my head, she asked what I was doing and I told her ''I want you to touch my hair, can you?'' She smiled at me and said ''Okay chubby'' (She's used to calling me like that) when I felt her fingers running through my hair and softly picking me ears and nose I've wet my pants. I was so uncomfortable I couldn't believe what was happening to me, but I didn't want her to stop or otherwise she could ask me what was wrong. She came closer and put the other hand on the top of my head and she was massaging me. My heart was pounding so hard that I believed she could hear it. I was falling asleep so she started to talk to me about trivial things while she kept caressing me. The movie finished and I went to the bathroom to clean my mess. Night came so I went to my home. That night we texted each other until 2 am, I told her that I love her and she said the same to me, we said a lot of things, like being together in other lives and looking for each other when we both had died. The next day I asked if she would like to repeat the dinner and watch another movie so she accepted. Honestly, I did not expect anything to happen that day, but deep in myself, I knew something changed in the way we treated ourselves. Next, we were having dinner and she looked at my hands and said ''I've never told you, but you have the most beautiful hands I've ever seen'' (We are both pianist and she often says I have a pianist's hands). Then we went to the living so we could watch movies, unlike the day before, this time she was the one lying on the couch and I sit on the chair. Some minutes later she put her arm on my legs saying ''Now it's my turn'', I started to caress her arm and hand, then she took my hand and kissed the forehand, then she said ''I love you''. I didn't know how to react and started to get nervous, I was shaking. I responded the same to her. The whole afternoon was full of caressing and kisses on foreheads and hands. I was like in heaven. We switched spots and she was playing with my hair from her chair. I fell asleep and I woke up to her looking at me and smiling ''Do you want to sleep, chubby?'' I answered positive and we went to sleep in her bedroom, sharing the same bed. I asked if I could hug her and she said ''Yes, but only hugging'' That was weird because I wasn't thinking on anything else. We were on the bed and we started saying things to each other, then she kissed my cheek and all over my face, I couldn't resist and I kissed her lips, she took my head with both or her hands and told me to close my eyes and keep my mouth shut, she placed her lips on mine and I opened my mouth, she started to kiss me while saying ''Forgive me, honey, forgive me''. We kissed a lot, I asked her to wake me up because I didn't know if I was dreaming or that was actually happening. She touched me that night and we fell asleep after all. Next three months we spent the days avoiding our relationships (she has a partner and I had a girlfriend) and meeting each other for sex. We talked about having children if we could, living away together, doing things together and so on. Then she started to step back, she stated that we can't keep letting it happen, that I was too young and she was too old for me. She desired me but it was wrong, because she already have a long distance relationship and was waiting for her real partner to come and live with her. I broke up with my girlfriend and was completely alone. The thing is that I started to feel alone and depressed. E won't stop loving me, and after she promised herself not to have sex with me again, it happened again twice or more.She says it's possible to love two persons at the same time, and that she loves me no matter what. Somedays I won't believe it, sometimes I feel used, more like she was using my body while she was thinking in her real partner. Four weeks ago I fell into depression again and I'm thinking about suicide. I love her a lot and she's the love of my life, but I don't think I could handle the moment that the real one come to live with her and I would still in love with E. She sometimes would compare me to her partner and say ''X would do this'' or ''X wouldn't make that''. I feel miserable, these last days everything she says to me is like a knife coming through my chest; she's always criticizing me or treating me like a child. She controls what I do, what I post online, what I dress and even how I spend my money.Please, I need an advice.