Everyday I have this overwhelming feeling that I’m never going to be good enough but I still stray further from success . I fear that nothing will change and I will be stuck watching and raising my siblings for the rest of my life . I can’t even get my school work done when all I have to do is log on to a computer and do it . It sounds so easy, but it’s not . I could set my phone down turn it off or get it taken away from me and still not be able to focus so it’s not the problem, I am . A couple nights ago I actually considered killing myself . We’re always going be poor , we’re always going to have abusive relationships , and we’re always going to act like nothings wrong . If I have an attitude when I’m out of my room my mom gets mad but if I’m not bothering a single soul in my room she also gets mad . She’s jealous that I’m still in my youth and that I don’t have two infants that are my own although she puts me in charge of them like they are , if I say no she gets mad but if I say yes with an attitude she also gets mad . Or when she just up in disappears weather I’d be for a cigarette break or not I’m always in the room with the kids when she does then when I want to be alone and Chevi is mean to his other sister she gets mad at me and ofc I have to have an attitude back and her response is always “I didn’t ask you to watch them” she may say that but she surly was intending that is did . My friends are fake but I can’t admit that and drop them because then I’ll have none . No one stays my friend for too long I think it’s because I’m so boring . I’m not boring I just don’t enjoy constantly talking about THEIR boyfriends whilst I pretend I’m totally not lonely . It’s frustrating being different when you’re in high school especially if your intentions are to try and fit in . The person my mother had two kids with has the most horrendous family filled of druggies and two headed snakes . They’re constantly smoking weed on my back porch . And whilst they do that GUESS WHO HAD TO WATCH THE FUCKING KIDS . Also my mom gets mad when I don’t do my work but if I were to actually do it the kids would bother me or I’d be asked to listen or watch for them while she goes to the store or the gas station for the 80th time this week . My dad died when I was ten so I’ve developed trust issues with the people I love because I know eventually they’ll leave or die. I watch anime to keep my mind off of everything but it always gets interrupted by something or someone . I’ve almost starting to believe that I’m not worthy enough to eat . I still eat don’t get me wrong it’s just harder knowing I’m a huge disappointment to everyone I know . It could also do with the fact that I’m fat and hate my body . I have no motivation to do my school work and eat let alone work out . Sometime I think that I was put on this earth just to let others fill me with their hatred . As if I’m this giant barrel full of sins and disappointment. I hate independence, even in the summer time it’s smog and colorless . My brother Jacob ( the oldest of MY siblings) acts like me and mom don’t exist because he’s out grown us and and is living his own life & doesn’t need us to distract or get in his way . I think he’s disappointed I’m his sister too knowing that he used to be in all these sports and has a lot of friends and other relationships makes me look like a fat wart frog . I’m constantly thinking about thing weather it be about me being self conscious or not I’m always thinking and it’s hard to stop when people are constant filling me with their hatred only makes me think more about why I’m here and what did I do that was so bad that I had to be here . There’s a world pandemic and my favorite person is most likely to die before me , nana has always babied me ,And because of that sometimes I think she’s the only one that truly cares about me . Something always had to break or fall apart in my house two months ago it was our toilet and now it’s our washer and garbage disposal. Our house is old and just needs to be condemned. Mom applied for section eight housing but who knows how long it’ll actually be before we move . I wanna believe that when we move everything will be alright but I can almost guarantee that the bullshit drama and things falling apart will fallow us , my mother wants to get a job and everyone is so happy for her but in my eyes that means that I’m going to have to watch the kids even more . At this rate I won’t Finnish high school and I will never have a steady job . I’m always going to be at the bottom of the food chain and something for something to kick around . I just want to sleep forever .