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i want to tell people about my suicidal thoughts, but i dont know why i have them in the first place

lets get this out of the way, i think about killing myself WAY too often to ever be healthy. tho i have never acted on it, its always in the back of my find. i dont have any diagnosed mental illnesses and my parents are nice, so i have no idea how i feel this way. its not because of quarantine either, because ive been having these thoughts ever since 3rd grade. i want to tell someone about this, ive been thinking of going to a therapist under the disguise of 'wanting to actually know if i have anxiety or not', then talking about it there. but i dont know how to ask them. i know no one could help me here, but i hope you wish me good luck, and i wish good luck to everyone on this site too

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Re: i want to tell people about my suicidal thoughts, but i dont know why i have them in the first place

My mom convinced me to kill myself in third grade. Not sure how I lived. It’s hard isn’t it. I’m still often sad; but I’ve did great things in this world. I’ve saved lives. Read this please; maybe it will help.

Life was hard. But by my mid 20’s it started looking up. I married my best friend. Bought a house. Got a great job. Had kids. In my 40’s I met my favorite athlete ever. Nearing 50 I made a friend. They had music connections. I met a lot of famous singers. In high school I had a crush on a singer. Well i got to hang out with her in my 40’s. I watched my kids win academic awards. Play music. Win city; state, & even a national Title. At an out of state sports event i met an actor. He’s one of my favorites. Very cool. Ive owned a cool old sportscar; & a BMW. Ive surfed & dived. Hung out the side of a military helicopter. Helped build something that went to Mars. I got emergency training. Ive saved lives. I breathed life into a boy who turned blue. Saved a tiny girl. Had I killed myself Id never have experienced all of those amazing things later in life. I Love You. Jesus loves you. Please learn to love your self. To calm myself I watch comedies. I listen ro fun music; I sing & dance. I stare at flashing Christmas lights on my wall; or a lava lamp on the dresser as I listen to calm music or watch TV as I drift off to sleep. I hug a large pillow as I go to sleep. Who knows what your life has in store if yiu just have the courage to live it. My best moments were holding my wifes hand. Our first kiss. My kids being born; learning to walk, & saying I Love You Daddy. You get to treat your kids the way you wish you’d been treated. Dont quit. Live this life. Stay in your seat until your turn is over. Then go to Heaven. It will wait on you. I Love You. Jesus loves you. Please learn to love your self. To calm myself I watch comedies. I listen ro fun music; I sing & dance. I stare at flashing Christmas lights on my wall; or a lava lamp on the dresser as I listen to calm music or watch TV as I drift off to sleep. I hug a large pillow as I go to sleep. God Bless

Online therapy. Talkspace.com $65 week. Maybe this will be a good site if dont want goto officr. I goto an office. Ive heard this is a good online option.