Short version: I irresponsibly made an NSFW channel on discord to talk about fictional characters but young people were in chat, also a minor got attached to me and I realized too late. but please read- I need honest opinions.
I can't tell if this is something others should hate me for but I need to put the full, entire story somewhere. Please, please respond. Some background: I'm 19(F) and bisexual. I have never gone on a date, had my first kiss etc etc and I rarely talk about that kind of stuff with anyone. I'm also an artist, and my social media recently got semi-popular (7,000 followers) because I started making fan art for a popular franchise. After doing a few live streams to my followers, I decided to make a discord for all of us to talk together! The age range was set to 14-22 to keep it as safe as possible. I have never modded before so this was/is pretty new to me. A few of the admins (people who offered to help out on the first day) started to make mildly NSFW comments so I decided to make a seperate channel for it. In hindsight, this channel should have only been 16+ but there were one or two 15 year olds in there as well. Sigh. Anyways, this channel was just to talk explicitly about adult fictional characters, noT each other (just as a disclaimer, there's no issue with child porn or anything in this don't worry). But- I'm realizing how wrong it is to let people that young be in a chat like this even if they're "comfortable" talking about that stuff. Honestly, they were the ones making the most comments but that's still no excuse.
One of the admins, who was 15 at the time, offered to write people NSFW excerpts abt their favorite characters and basically all of us agreed but like- that's horrible of me to let happen, y'know? being 19? She messaged us privately to talk about it and I guess I just got blindsided by being "able" to finally talk about this stuff (when I could have just talked to my very wonderful IRL friends about it). This girl talked to me about it a lot and I would just talk about this dude and send stupid quotes that he would say or whatever. She would send in the channel and in direct messages some pieces of what she was writing and we would all freak out over it. At one point, I drew NSFW art of the character and sent it to a few of the people in chat and at the time she was 16 but I still feel vile and disgusting about it.
Since all of this, I have sent an earnest apology in that channel for allowing this type of behavior to occur and I screenshotted my own behavior and then deleted the channel so other people could not get in trouble for what I created. As for that other girl,,
Before the channel deletion happened, we talked for a few weeks and became good friends because we were on the admin team together. She vented to me and the other admin a few times about her rough life and her fear of abandonment/struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder and stuff like that. we reassured her that we were here to support her. I talked to this person a lot about all sorts of stuff but now looking back in hindsight, the signs were there that she was obsessed with me. She would write soft fanfiction about me and this one character I loved but like... a lot of it... and did not ask for anything in return. I tried to reciprocate by drawing her hugging her favorite character but there was not much else I could do. I got excited when I read those pieces of writing and they made me happy, but I was allowing her to get attached to me and I should have stopped it. I was simply caught up in someone wanting to talk to me so much that I failed to realize. I also shared some writing I did for myself and that character, but honestly I should have just kept it to myself (it was SFW but still) because it made her get even more attached to me. she is not the only person I shared this with, but she would respond with phrases such as "I am honored that you are exposing this much of your heart to me. I feel like i understand you on a new level."
I thought that was just her not really knowing boundaries so I did not think much else of it, but around two weeks ago she messaged me saying that she caught feelings for me. I immediately shut that down but I feel horrible for letting her get attached. I talked to her less, but still talked to her after that. Then, a week ago she had some concerning things in her Status that led me to believe she was about to kill herself. I messaged her and helped talk her out of it, and after that she praised me like "you saved my life, you are one of the only people I can trust. thank you so much you are the best person" and I just- I froze. and I felt horrible. I accidentally made myself one of the only people that this young person could rely on.
The day after, I sent her a horribly worded panic message that made it seem like SHE got too attached rather than me, the more responsible party, that let her. She felt bad and logged off, but the following day I came to my senses and sent a more thought out apology. I apologized for ever speaking about NSFW topics with her and let her know that her getting attached was not her fault, and that I only have myself to blame and let her know that I woudlnt be messaging 1 on 1 anymore. I would completely remove myself from her life, but I don't want to take away her admin role for something that isnt her fault and I just cant leave the server I created because I made a mistake. From this point on, I am going to be much more mindful and careful about my communications with people on the internet and I have donated to an org that helps find and shut down internet predators. It was not something I wanted to happen but I feel absolutely horrible about it. I am mentally treating myself like a pedo/groomer but my intentions were never to make this person get attached to me nor did I ever sexualize her.
I vow to be a better and more responsible person after this. It's a promise.
I haven't eaten much in the past week and I have lost 5 pounds because of it. I cant sleep. I want to kill myself. I keep searching up how to overdose. I hate myself so much and I feel like I need to make a call out post for myself. the girl has forgiven me but I feel like she deserves more than that. I feel like i deserve to be hunted down, hated, and screamed at. I feel bad talking to my friends and my parents. I feel like they would never speak to me again if they found out about this. Should I hate myself? Do I deserve to die? I dont want to look for sympathy publicly but,,, maybe here. I am also talking to my therapist about it. I am really trying to be better. Lmk what you think. Thank you for your time.