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I was raped & i’m suicidal

I’m depressed since i was 14. Since then all things just worsened. Few months later, i start developing an ED and got diagnosed with anorexia. Life was hard.

Last year i befriended some “bad” people. They taught me how to be like them. I got wasted, i smoked, i vaped, i do anything i could. That time i thought i was just an ordinary teenager enjoying life. I also thought to myself, maybe getting wasted, smoking, doing drugs was my escape.

One night i sneak out from my house and went to another city 2 hours from home. That city was known for its night life. I went to bar with approx. 20 people. I’m the youngest there.

I’m not being overly confident but i claim that my face is quite pretty and my body is nice at that time. A lot of people would find me attractive. It’s my gift. Yet that day it was my curse.

I got super wasted and unconscious. There are guys that i trust and they kept chugging me with drinks. I believe them so i kept drinking.

I woke up with a guys kissing me and putting his penis inside me. I was too shocked that i couldn’t move my body. I couldn’t remember a thing. The next time i’m conscious, there are 5 guys in the room raping me. They got turns raping me like i’m a worthless and like i’m a thing.

I couldn’t move my body and i passed out. I woke up the next morning feeling actual shit. I still blame myself timo this day. Is it my fault that i drink too much that day? Is it my fault that i can’t look after myself? I felt gross and unworthy.

My depression worsened and i got admitted to a hospital. They diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. I started cutting my self and being highly suicidal.

Nobody around me understands. They said that they cared but i don’t see and feel any care that they said to me. They said they love me but where is this love? I could feel anything from them.

I’ve been struggling alone. I started thinking that i’m better off alone and bipolar rather than giving all these hopes to people who said they cared but doesn’t do anything.

Is it my fault? Is all of this my fault?

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Re: I was raped & i’m suicidal

Hey! M sorry to hear your story.I have been through same situation. Bitter truth is that no one will care if you die people will cry for few days Or months but life will move on with or without you.

I understand that you can't get that scene (when you were raped) out of your head.it took me more then 6 months to come out and live my life again.

Thing is you have to let it go. You have to be strong for yourself no one else can do it for you. You have to make effort to change your life.Past is gone but you have power to make a better future for yourself. I understand that what happened to you was wrong but if you keep living your past like this and hold on to that bitter memories it will be for no good, it will hurt you that's all. ( I don't know those guys are in jail or not because you didn't mention it here)

And trust me it's not your fault after all we are all human we make some bad choice and some good choice in life. Don't blame this on yourself.Take it as a lesson of your life and mistake which you won't repeat again in life and make yourself strong mentally and emotionally. Don't trust people blindly.

You get one life please don't waste it by committing suicide or punishing youself like this.Life can be hard sometimes but it's up to you whether you are willing to convert it into a life full of happiness or full of sadness. Choice is yours. No one else can make a choice for you.

Life is like a blank book and God has given you a pen to write your story on it and now it's upto you how you want your story to be!

M stranger to you but trust me on this DON'T GIVE UP. YOU ARE A FIGHTER. (I say this to myself all the time)

Dont blame yourself for the actions of those men scum pieces of shit! I would say “I’m sorry you had to go through that” but no words can heal such traumatic events you went through. I can only imagine what you are feeling, but just know that I will listen and hear your story. I offer you my full support.