I’m depressed since i was 14. Since then all things just worsened. Few months later, i start developing an ED and got diagnosed with anorexia. Life was hard.
Last year i befriended some “bad” people. They taught me how to be like them. I got wasted, i smoked, i vaped, i do anything i could. That time i thought i was just an ordinary teenager enjoying life. I also thought to myself, maybe getting wasted, smoking, doing drugs was my escape.
One night i sneak out from my house and went to another city 2 hours from home. That city was known for its night life. I went to bar with approx. 20 people. I’m the youngest there.
I’m not being overly confident but i claim that my face is quite pretty and my body is nice at that time. A lot of people would find me attractive. It’s my gift. Yet that day it was my curse.
I got super wasted and unconscious. There are guys that i trust and they kept chugging me with drinks. I believe them so i kept drinking.
I woke up with a guys kissing me and putting his penis inside me. I was too shocked that i couldn’t move my body. I couldn’t remember a thing. The next time i’m conscious, there are 5 guys in the room raping me. They got turns raping me like i’m a worthless and like i’m a thing.
I couldn’t move my body and i passed out. I woke up the next morning feeling actual shit. I still blame myself timo this day. Is it my fault that i drink too much that day? Is it my fault that i can’t look after myself? I felt gross and unworthy.
My depression worsened and i got admitted to a hospital. They diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. I started cutting my self and being highly suicidal.
Nobody around me understands. They said that they cared but i don’t see and feel any care that they said to me. They said they love me but where is this love? I could feel anything from them.
I’ve been struggling alone. I started thinking that i’m better off alone and bipolar rather than giving all these hopes to people who said they cared but doesn’t do anything.
Is it my fault? Is all of this my fault?