I made him believe I killed myself while in the mental institution. I can blame my Borderline Personality Disorder, but I can't disassociate from the guilt. When I was in my teens I became obsessed with a guy, who was a useless player. Just an average junky and pseudo-hippie "cool" guy with a streak of misogyny, who gave me attention and made me feel special. When you make an ignored person with BPD feel special.. they're gonna bond to you. I lived a very isolated life. My parents and such, long story... I felt fully detached from my environment and was told I had Borderline Personality Disorder, but didn't understand what it meant regarding my behavior. I was medicated for it too. I had depression and previously tried to commit suicide. I was very isolated. One time I sneaked out and went to a party, and there was he. With the halo and the slo-mo and everything. He spoted me out too and tried to chat me up. We ended up making out, not my first time, but it was the first time I felt something. I haven't felt desire like that before. Stronger than just "attraction" or "desire", it was the first tingles of your stupid brain bonding with another person because of the superficial impression they make. This happens to young people all the time, but its even worse to people who are depressed. And that bond can be powerful. He was a cocky sumptuous little cunt, to be fair, he gave me all that attention for several weeks, and then just didn't. I was hospitalized in a mental institution in that time. To be fair, he wasn't the reason, and ive been medicated for a while, but his behavior didn't help. Sometimes I can't help but wonder maybe he was so big in my small, sad, isolated world, that his sudden willful extraction from my life was that bad for me, maybe it was the reason I got so bad.. how pathetic am I?One time he came to visit me in the asylum. We talked ackwardly, bit I felt so good, so excited to see him. I was hoping it would get back to how it was, that we'd talk all the time. But we didnt. He felt so distant. And then I did it. A terrible thing. I asked a woman I knew to call him and say I killed myself.. I regretted it almost immediately, called him 5mins later, tried to lie my way out of it. Told him my phone was taken and someone were making these calls. I'm not sure he believed me. After the first wave of relief, he asked me to not contact him anymore. I didn't listen. I called again, this time giving my phone to the same woman. He yelled violently demanding I leave him alone. He was right to do so. I was, effectively, a stalker. I wish I wasn't such a horrible piece of shit. We did talk one more time after that. He said he wasn't angry with me, and pretended to buy my excuses. I could hear he was tense and wanted to end the conversation asap. Who could blame him I wish I could apologize. After the mental institution, I turned 18 and moved out. And almost immediately my depression was clreared. Isn't that telling?.. Left my parents, my city, my state, and I were finally able to breathe. Started a new job far away. Changed my hair. I wish I could say my BPD tendencies cleared as well, but I'm afraid they were just in hibernation. They resurfaced with other partners on 2 more occasions, but we're not taken to extremes like that one time and just withered away pretty quickly on their own. That poor guy. That poor fucking asshole.What I did was infinetly worse than what he did. I know, today, I could never have a relationship with someone like him, but I hope he doesn't hate me too much, looking back. I hope he's not on too much drugs. I hope life turned out ok for him and he's grown too. I made a promise to myself to never look him up on social media and it's likely I will never meet him again. And to be honest, that is a good good thing.